How I miss you!! Even if I'd never got a chance to meet you again for the rest of my life, it would have just been ok to know you were still out there.. somewhere.. just going about your life like the rest of us. Now there is this void that nothing seems to fill...
To say I have struggled with your news is an understatement. You know that. From where you are I'm sure you see me and you read my thoughts everyday. I feel like I'm living on borrowed time. How could I - being as undeserving as me, have this life & not you? Every time I see my kids, I see P & N. You were such a good mom to them. I could never have the patience you had. And yet, they don't get to grow up with you around.
I see glimpses of you every now and then. Your voice is still very clear and your laughter too. Every time I see changing rooms in malls or street shopping or cross that petrol pump or use your recipes or just about be - I think of you.
We had such an imperfect relationship but what we had we enjoyed. We loved like nobody cared. You definitely had my back for a time. I wonder why I didn't get the chance to meet you one last time or comfort you in your time of distress. May be God knows I'm too weak hearted.... or.. I don't know!
What you taught me in life was to have confidence, be fearless and love oneself. (I think of all the advice you gave me around this often.) What you taught me in death is that life is short, life is unpredictable and that I need to be grateful for what I have here and now. Also all this exaggerated importance we give to body weight!! UGH!! I know you enjoyed losing all that weight all of a sudden. I also remember being envious of your figure in those pics as I stalked you once in a way on social media. And I kept wondering why you went back to that profile pic of your podgy old self. It took your death for me to realize that it was not your podgy old self that you posted, it was your happy, healthy self.
So while I get older & I see my body changing ... & as inconvenient as it is at times, I know that you would have traded what you had for these minor inconveniences in the blink of an eye. So I will never complain. I just hope... no.. I know, that you are in a happier space. I know you watch over us all with love. And I know that I will meet you on the other side with your arms wide open. Until that day, rest in peace my dear. I love you & thank you for being my friend.
