Nostalgia in God's own...

I thrive on Nostalgia. I sometimes feel I don't exist in the present. At every moment, I somehow almost always end up feeling that the times that have passed seem better. Growing up in a typical conservative mallu family has its advantages & disadvantages. One of the primary advantages was the access to all things mallu - which included experiencing, first hand, God's very own country. The biggest disadvantage I think is the conservative attitude that I have had to put up with from all the  'mallu quarters' associated with me. It has grown on me. Even though I despised it, it defines my thought process today.
I hold my childhood memories very close to my heart. The joy of a typical summer vacation would begin months before it even began. I remember planning out details with my younger sis on what we would carry on the train journey, pack our purses with all the junk we could think of & finally always getting it from dad at the last moment. The practical adult run-in with a starry-eyed child. Always our purses would be emptied out. Back then it was the meanest thing a parent could do. Today, I'm just as mean! Talk about lessons learnt - I think I need reality-check!!
Excitement would build, the exams would be done & it would finally be time to board the train. I'd hardly be able to sleep. I always preferred the lower berth so that I could peek through the window ... so as to see the different stations, so as to enjoy every moment of the approaching heaven. But more often than not, being the elder one, I had to make do with the middle berth. Sis would want the middle berth because she thought that was 'grown-up' & happening! :D Being a kid was so messed up!
Mom's & Dad's places weren't too far apart. We're from a place called the 'rice-bowl' of Kerala - no prizes for guessing what its famous for producing. Both places were river banks.

Back then connectivity was an issue. Covering the distance would take a day sometimes - thanks to irregular 'boat service' - well what else can ply on a river?! Today it hardly takes about an hour to cover that same distance with all the bridges & vehicles.
Both places are really scenic. In fact Mom's place is still the same - untouched. Dad's place has seen 'development' & has a remote resemblance of what it used to be. I always preferred staying in Dad's place. That's where all the action (read cousins, movies..) happened. As a mom now, I can truly understand how bad Mom must've felt when I fussed about going to her place every single trip we made!
In the end, it didn't matter what I thought. Decisions were always made by the grown-ups. So we were always packed off to mom's. Mom, sis & I would stay there for the rest of the 2-month vacation & dad would head back to dull & boring work (who knows, that was probably a break for him too. But knowing dad, he'd prefer monotonous us to being alone).
I still remember the lazy days at Mom's. Doing nothing all day. Sometimes, I'd put music & pretend to be a movie-star, sometimes I'd pretend to be a hassled housewife - going about doing daily chores (make food out of plants & mud). Every vacation I'd try to look through the humungous book shelf & find at least one interesting book. I'd fail 99% of the times. The remaining 1% was when I would try to make the available options interesting by pretending I liked to read it! There were other days when I'd just be bored of everything & watch the road afar to see if any of my cousins or uncles would come visiting.... I long for that kind of boredom now!

Most evenings were reflections of each other. I'd be too sleepy from all the boredom! But family prayer was strictly unavoidable. Grandpa & Grandma would sit in this narrow corridor while the happening crowd would sit in the hall for prayer. The happening crowd would only pretend to pray. I was always dragged to sit in the narrow corridor... my grand parents could never get enough of me & sis. Back then, I just longed to be grown up & be a part of the happening crowd. Now, every time I visit, I go back to the corridor ....just to feel less grown up... & to feel my grandparents some more. Why is life so inverted?!

When cousins came visiting, all hell broke loose. There were so many of us. Mom & dad both have 7 siblings each. Those experiences... deserve a separate space altogether.... Will continue with that next time....

What was that??!!

If I was a story-writer, then I'd know that the toughest portion of the story would not be the concept, or the intro, or the language ... it would have to be the ending. How would you bring a story to closure?! That for me is the most important part. You can put up with almost anything but a messy ending. It is the last part of the story that makes or breaks it, no matter how good the concept, the language, the description or the moments embedded.

Growing up I hated watching Malayalam movies because I was terrified of those 'up in the air' endings. There were so many of them... it was sort of a fashion I think. The people who were making the movies must've thought that it was creative to leave the story at this absurd spot so that the audience could figure out the rest of the story. To me it suggests the exact opposite - of 'lack of creativity' i.e. I mean - how easy is that?! All you have to do is think of a concept, build on it & just when things get complicated, you leave it... right there... high & dry!!! Now, audience, go figure!

Of course, I have to say that I also did end up watching a lot of really good Malayalam movies as well & to this day I watch these same movies over & over again. These are the movies that give me a new insight every time I watch them & they're also fun even if I know the dialogues & scenes by-heart. The added advantage is that it spares me the pain of watching the absurd-waste-of-time-movies. To this day, for any new movie I plan on watching, I always check the review & the story, before actually watching it... which sometimes leads to a broken suspense.

Yet, even being this OCD-movie freak, I still just let my guard down for a bit to watch 'the lunchbox' seeing all the 4.5 star ratings (have to admit, didn't read the reviews)! The end result is just a stronger OCD for now! All the hype, all the intros & promos of the movie... that's all there ever was to it. And the suspense that everyone spoke about...the suspense is that there is no suspense! There is no ending!! How convenient! And they're crying because they didn't get a chance to run the oscar race! Get a life! Go figure out a story first!

Thanks to 'the lunchbox' I'm so drained. I think I should watch ... mmm... may be 'Mouna Ragam' for the 110th time or Manichithrathazhu for the 70th time... or even DDLJ for the 250th time... Luckily, the road to recovery is quite easy! :)

Social Un-networking

About 9 years back, when orkut was slowly spreading out its clutches on 'society', I firmly stayed put. I said 'NO' to orkut. I'm not sure why but I think it had something to do with 'inadequate self esteem'.... which has always been a good old friend & refuses to part ways! Then, when I got pregnant with my first child & the nausea was driving me crazy, I thought orkut would be a welcome deviation. Deviation it was but welcome..? I slowly got very addicted to it... looking at all the pictures & other contents of friends, & friends of friends... & friends of friends of friends... My 'good old friend' came back in full vigor & started spending a lot more time with me than ever. I decided that the end of my pregnancy would mark the end of my orkut-life. But the clutches had sunk in all too deep by then. When the baby had come, I had many more posts & pictures to put up!
Eventually, I did grow out of orkut... only because fb was the new best thing. Orkut was not in fashion anymore you see! And so the vicious cycle continued, now on FB. Then I tried my hands at twitter too. Soon I got invites for linkedin... I thought to myself - Me on linkedin... Really? Do I want that? I decided that career-wise I didn't have enough to show-off about! :) But that was really the first step in the direction of retreat.
After this, I started thinking - 'why do I need a twitter account?'. The only fun thing was following the love of my life - SRK. Every nuance of his life that he posted about was fun to read. But I didn't care a damn about the other posts. What my friends were doing through the day started getting on my nerves actually. So I realized that unless I am a celebrity, people wouldn't actually be interested in knowing what I'm thinking/doing every second of the day. So I stopped ... tweeting that is.
I had all the guts now to turn down tumblr... & the like. But FB... FB now has grown to be a part of me. I can forever love to hate it but I need it. There have been atleast 10 occasions when I almost deleted my profile & stopped short just for the sake of some friends (who account for just about 10% of the people in my 'friends' list) to whom I could reach out only through fb.
I have weighed the positives against the negatives so many times. FB is so easy to help me stay in touch with some of my favorite people but at the same time it forces me to be in touch with some I thought I had got rid of for good... log long ago! I also see so many people living their lives doing things I have always longed to do but have never got the chance. I end up comparing my life to theirs. Its a disease. I know! After all, I know from my own experience that what you put up there - on fb, is only the icing on the cake that you want everybody to see. For all you know, the actual cake might be rotten! I have even been told in a counseling session that I am grappling with low self esteem because of the 'comparison-disease'. This counselor actually told me that the problem probably stems from the fact that my mom was always comparing me to others around me making me feel inadequate. I love my mom & God knows as much as I do that she did not do that on purpose. It scares my guts out to think how I might be negatively impacting my child inadvertently.
In any case, I refuse to put the blame on my mom now. I have to take responsibility for my behavior. Wow! Is that difficult or what?!... especially considering I'm still on fb even with the damage its doing to my self-esteem! In my mind, I know - the problem is not with fb. It is with my attitude. Everyday is a struggle to live my life without comparison & hopefully I will master the art someday. Fountainhead was such an inspiration in that direction.
So I try different experiments... like the most recent one with fb. Since I realized that I did not want to delete my account, I thought I should just completely stop making any updates on fb. ... So as to try & un-network while maintaining the basic contacts with people. It was an eye-opener & it helped prove some things I already knew. E.g. there are so many people who 'liked' my pic only because they wanted me to 'like' their pic or because I have been 'kind enough' to 'like' their pics. As ridiculous as it seems, the 'number of friends' & 'number of likes' continues to feed the ego of these so-called friends.
Why are they on my list anyway?! Once in a way I look at my friends list & quietly delete people I dont want to be associated with. Try not to insult them but some refuse to let it go. I've got messages asking me 'I thought I had 'added' you. Now I'm not in  your list. Something's wrong with fb!' As time has passed I've become adept at being more brash & unapologetic. I dont want you means I dont want you. I dont care any more! Dont know if its good or bad.
There was a friend who once told me he had only 10 friends in his fb list & he told me that he will not accept requests from just-friends & acquaintances... as if suggesting I should not send him a request! How rude, I thought. Now I perfectly understand!
FB also feeds another disease in me.. the 'I dont want to let go' disease. I check in on this someone ... regularly... secretly...because I still want a piece of his life. I just cannot let go... be it him, be it some friends... or <apparently> be it fb. The cancerous tenacity that will always hold good! Yes, let me blame my sun-sign today & put the owning up part for another day.

Of Pit stops & closing chapters...

I work in a software company. Needless to say, I see people coming in & going out often. Before I got a job - as a fresher, I used to think 'any company, any salary and my life's made'. Little did I know how far away from reality I was. When I eventually did get my first job (just more than 10 years ago) I was under the impression that if I'm happy with the company & I have a decent enough pay, then my life's made. Of course, the more I aged in the industry, the more there were parameters that influenced my job satisfaction. I realized there was no ideal salary. The more I got, the more I wanted. I realized that politics & bad managers were as real as night & day ... there's no avoiding both categories. I also understood that I could never be done with 'studying' - which I wanted so badly after college.
I was so done with studying by the end of college that I thought a job would put a full stop to boring education. I wonder what my reaction would be had I had a chance to see my view on education 10 years down the line. I would've probably had a nervous breakdown. But the fact is that the view I have of education has changed because, simply put, education makes more sense when you can apply it... which is what I'm trying to do right now... very unlike what happened in college. M-U-G. Application of concepts was pure fiction!
But yes, I have to accept that it is not only to apply concepts that I'm trying to get educated right now. There are other intentions too... like upgrading my skillset so that I can attempt to be a critical resource or at the very least make my resume look good. May be the 2nd works more often. Also, if I have to be true to myself, I have to admit that the certifications usually come when I'm planning to update my resume! :D
A good friend in office who is never tired of explaining things to me once said that deciding on how long you stay in a company is akin to pit stops in racing.
"In motorsports, a pit stop is where a racing vehicle stops in the pits during a race for refueling, new tires, repairs, mechanical adjustments, a driver change, or any combination of the above. Teams usually plan for each of their cars to pit following a planned schedule, with the number of stops determined by the fuel capacity of the car, tire lifespan, and tradeoff of time lost in the pits versus how much time may be gained on the race track through the benefits of pit stops. Choosing the optimum pit strategy of how many stops to make and when to make them is crucial in having a successful race"
Very enlightening! I never looked at it that way but he made a lot of sense to me. So I was thinking the other day that it was time to get ... well... 'certified'!! :D But the next problem was 'which certification'. Everyone around me (which includes even people with lesser experience) is very keen on project management certifications. It seems to be a stepping stone in achieving the manager status & obtaining reportees - be it in the current job or a new one that they're aspiring for. Its a hot cake... or so it seems. But something must be very wrong with me. Why do I not want to do it? Why do I detest being a manager?! I think, there are 2 main reasons among many others. #1. Being a manger means taking on added responsibilities & in most cases that translates to more work. I have a 1000 reasons why I don't want to take up more work. Kids, life in general et al.  Does that translate to laziness? Probably... but I'm undecided about that. #2. I have had some really terrible managers - so much so, I'm traumatized by just their memories...& I fear I will be like one of them. Reason #2 is very strong on my mind because the last time I had the responsibility of managing a guy, I botched up so bad, I don't even want to think about it - EVER!
So I strongly believe that not everyone is made to be a people manager. You can be a task manager... & a good one too. But people-managing is a separate art altogether. Its unfortunate that there are so many people-managers out there who are so unprepared for the task at hand & who really have no idea that they're messing up, let alone wanting to improve!!
So, today, was a day when somebody made a move on after a pit stop of 7years at my company. The day a chapter of my life has closed. This somebody gave me unimaginable trauma & added to my fear of PMP! I'm so glad that she gave me more insight into how bad a manager can be... & I'm not being sarcastic! I have to say, she made me a stronger person & showed me that I really can be patient. I'm also glad that from tomorrow on I wont have to go through the pain of seeing her face everyday and relive the painfully traumatic memories. Thankyou, for getting a move on. Here's wishing any reportees she may have in future all the very best!

Office-Office!

Read politics-politics! As if life at home wasn't difficult enough for a woman! So often, many working-moms (& thats as redundant as it gets anyway) say the same thing I feel "almost" everyday - that work is actually a 'break' from home! More or less! But somethings never change on the office front... whichever office that is! Why is Dilbert so popular after all?!
I'm someone who wears my emotions on my sleeve. You can take me at face-value 90% of the time. So obviously politics is something I can never understand ... forget try or master. I hate the sight & smell of it but it shows its ugly face every now & then, just about when I'm almost nearing the completion of the healing & forgetting cycle from the earlier infliction. This last week, I got a chance to see its ugly face again.. & even though it was not roaring in my face & it was targetted at someone else (who happens to be my best friend at office - bru... & thats how I know the whole story...), I was so restless at being absolutely helpless. The typically energetic & fun-loving person that bru is, needless to say was the exact opposite this last week. How much fun they must be having at her expense I wonder. A team award is given to every person in her team & a related team except for bru ... & the explanation given is that she has to scale up! I dont think it can get any more ridiculous... especially knowing how hard she's been working & how much more than the others she has contributed. The total apathy of top level management concerned is unbelievable! Way-o-the-world Im told by some & yet some others say 'go complain to HR'. Go figure! Easier said than done. How easy is it for whistleblowers. Snowden may be a hero but who wants to live his life!
WayoTheWorld...<sigh!> Politics is so ingrained in our society, we're now used to it! To reach the top you now need to know how to play politics, not just how to deal with it. How much more pathetic can it get!
But there's a good side too! The one that makes me want to go back to office ... inspite of all the stress & heartburn. The salary, the independence, the adults (try staying at home with 2 children under 10 for atleast 24 hours. I know I longed for non-baby-talk!!!But yes, a better way to put that would be to say 'friends'), the gossip...! :) You win some, you lose some. Hopefully, the politics will never get bad enough to end my career... & I can only hope.