Disclaimer: This is going to be a drab outpouring before I can think of anything imaginative. Sort of clearing the block!
So, its been a long time since I last underwent therapy (read blogged). I always had ramblings in my head but was too lazy to jot it down here... as time passed by. So, this one is just to jot down some ramblings and I don't think there is a topic or theme.
Down with the much spoken about, much heard about chicken pox. Most of the people I know have stories to tell about their time with chicken pox. I wanted my own but wasn't sure whether the experience would be endurable. And so it happened... in a season that apparently it shouldn't happen. After the kids came along I always imagined I would contract it from them, who would have contracted it from their friends. But apparently I am going to have to take the responsibility of bringing the virus home... and I'm yet to know if I have managed to pass it on to them. By this time next week I should know. In a way, its good if they're done with it... but I'm just worried about the hell I will go through during that time.. So its again 'I want - I don't want - I'm not sure' situation.... As I'm perennially in anyway.
I can sense there are multiple views about me now - of those who know my current situation. Husband away, managing 2 kids and home and career ... AND maid ....AND all other family members...!!.. all alone! Being alone has never been something I dreaded but now, I think the reason I actually feel 'alone' is because I don't have any friends I can connect to.. in the physical world at least, on a daily basis. Virtual world is happening as always. Thousands to go to. But when you actually want to sit down for a cup of coffee with a 'peer', that's something else. Family, kids, virtual world - all have their significance ... and girl friends have their own. I long for that kind of girl gang 'presence' in my life now. They are only there virtually which is simply not enough! So the varying views of people - ranging from parents who see me as brave (... which will never change even if I do nothing,) husband who sees me as normal but over thinking typical woman, girl friends who see me as very strong, neighbors who see me as a lunatic bordering psychopath and in-laws who probably see me as tantrum throwing cribber since they've been there done that in better style - all seem to impact me and get me thinking. This, as opposed to a completely different thought process a girl gang - when physically present, would have pushed me into. We would have probably been obsessing about some hot dude on TV or in office and pulling each other's legs about it. Distraction enough from such nonsense that anyway does no good - even worse - does harm, capturing brain time.
The scenario this time was over powering too. Like the Midas touch, for me it was breakdown touch. Everything I touched broke down! It started with no new maid showing up in spite of checking with an agency months in advance, hubby having too much work and contributing next to nothing during that one week he was here to fill in a maid's absence (much worse, going through depression due to office pressure), laptop with corrupted software requiring complete uninstallation & reinstallation, mad boss admonishing me for the first time, too much rain and terrible roads blocked due to water, temple festivities and traffic, car and bike refusing to start, kid falling sick yet again resulting in no sleep and (I thought) passing on fever to me, plumbing mess resulting in no water for a day and a half followed immediately by the washing machine breaking down. All forces of nature and mankind seemingly against me. All this in the span of less than 2 weeks. I had almost lost it... crying to my parents... which I hate doing. And finally, came the crowning glory - in chicken pox style. I did not know whether to be happy or sad. Dealing with a disease with nobody to help - except for a new maid that was giving me nightmares anyway. And still, in a way, I was happy that I would finally be able to get some sleep! The day I got the boils also happened to be the day my hormonal friend made her monthly visit. Talk about timing! And when your hormones are wrecking havoc as are the virus, my dad found it hard to believe I could scream at him for screaming at me. He's yet to talk to me. Men!
I don't know if it can get worse. I'm trying not to think of it, because I know it can get worse if it had to. So for now I'm only just holding on.. telling myself that 'chicken pox is lucky!' HA!. I hope things start looking up in a few more days.
Time off has definitely made me realize that I DO NOT miss my job. I would definitely prefer staying at home... at least till I'm mentally in a better state to get back to work. So I don't think I would mind too much when I put down my papers this month. I really do hope I can find a job after a second break and I hope I will have the courage to make the break short.. as will my fate. I do want more travels and journeys which will not be affordable if I stay at home. But for now, I'm going to stop myself from over thinking and pray the hike letter comes soon so I can resign.
Just keep swimming... Just keep Swimming...
So, its been a long time since I last underwent therapy (read blogged). I always had ramblings in my head but was too lazy to jot it down here... as time passed by. So, this one is just to jot down some ramblings and I don't think there is a topic or theme.
Down with the much spoken about, much heard about chicken pox. Most of the people I know have stories to tell about their time with chicken pox. I wanted my own but wasn't sure whether the experience would be endurable. And so it happened... in a season that apparently it shouldn't happen. After the kids came along I always imagined I would contract it from them, who would have contracted it from their friends. But apparently I am going to have to take the responsibility of bringing the virus home... and I'm yet to know if I have managed to pass it on to them. By this time next week I should know. In a way, its good if they're done with it... but I'm just worried about the hell I will go through during that time.. So its again 'I want - I don't want - I'm not sure' situation.... As I'm perennially in anyway.
I can sense there are multiple views about me now - of those who know my current situation. Husband away, managing 2 kids and home and career ... AND maid ....AND all other family members...!!.. all alone! Being alone has never been something I dreaded but now, I think the reason I actually feel 'alone' is because I don't have any friends I can connect to.. in the physical world at least, on a daily basis. Virtual world is happening as always. Thousands to go to. But when you actually want to sit down for a cup of coffee with a 'peer', that's something else. Family, kids, virtual world - all have their significance ... and girl friends have their own. I long for that kind of girl gang 'presence' in my life now. They are only there virtually which is simply not enough! So the varying views of people - ranging from parents who see me as brave (... which will never change even if I do nothing,) husband who sees me as normal but over thinking typical woman, girl friends who see me as very strong, neighbors who see me as a lunatic bordering psychopath and in-laws who probably see me as tantrum throwing cribber since they've been there done that in better style - all seem to impact me and get me thinking. This, as opposed to a completely different thought process a girl gang - when physically present, would have pushed me into. We would have probably been obsessing about some hot dude on TV or in office and pulling each other's legs about it. Distraction enough from such nonsense that anyway does no good - even worse - does harm, capturing brain time.
The scenario this time was over powering too. Like the Midas touch, for me it was breakdown touch. Everything I touched broke down! It started with no new maid showing up in spite of checking with an agency months in advance, hubby having too much work and contributing next to nothing during that one week he was here to fill in a maid's absence (much worse, going through depression due to office pressure), laptop with corrupted software requiring complete uninstallation & reinstallation, mad boss admonishing me for the first time, too much rain and terrible roads blocked due to water, temple festivities and traffic, car and bike refusing to start, kid falling sick yet again resulting in no sleep and (I thought) passing on fever to me, plumbing mess resulting in no water for a day and a half followed immediately by the washing machine breaking down. All forces of nature and mankind seemingly against me. All this in the span of less than 2 weeks. I had almost lost it... crying to my parents... which I hate doing. And finally, came the crowning glory - in chicken pox style. I did not know whether to be happy or sad. Dealing with a disease with nobody to help - except for a new maid that was giving me nightmares anyway. And still, in a way, I was happy that I would finally be able to get some sleep! The day I got the boils also happened to be the day my hormonal friend made her monthly visit. Talk about timing! And when your hormones are wrecking havoc as are the virus, my dad found it hard to believe I could scream at him for screaming at me. He's yet to talk to me. Men!
I don't know if it can get worse. I'm trying not to think of it, because I know it can get worse if it had to. So for now I'm only just holding on.. telling myself that 'chicken pox is lucky!' HA!. I hope things start looking up in a few more days.
Time off has definitely made me realize that I DO NOT miss my job. I would definitely prefer staying at home... at least till I'm mentally in a better state to get back to work. So I don't think I would mind too much when I put down my papers this month. I really do hope I can find a job after a second break and I hope I will have the courage to make the break short.. as will my fate. I do want more travels and journeys which will not be affordable if I stay at home. But for now, I'm going to stop myself from over thinking and pray the hike letter comes soon so I can resign.
Just keep swimming... Just keep Swimming...
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