The Old, new-Old & new-New

After a certain age, on a daily basis, there are a thousand things to nudge & remind one about the ever increasing age. And then there's also some age beyond which you cease to care or you're oblivious to how old you actually are. Case in point - my in-laws, now well into their 70's-80's, who were discussing on how pension delivered home is a facility for the aged - not them! I havent got there yet.. I guess I'd have to be really lucky to get there. Im still figuring out the former state and it can be cruel at times - to say the very least! One such reminder came during one of those pesky family zoom calls (o man! things that the pandemic has done beyond its expected onslaught..), I was trying to be cheerful & crack a joke. No sooner had I said it than my first born rolled her eyes, slapped her forehead & walked away completely embarrassed by me! Made me realize how this defective gene was passed on from dad to me & how I used to be the one embarrased of him. Karma is a bitch! So anyway, as old makes way for the new-old & the new-new, Im trying to enjoy as much of the sunshine before my work is done. Atleast there's no pressure any more to look pretty :P Silver linings!

PC - Mom & PC -me She planted, I photographed

Heavy shoulders

Going crazy as I step in to do something someone taught me long ago! Those visuals keep flashing before my eyes every few minutes. I so desperately wish I could share this with you... I hope I dont let you down!

Weekend Jammin

So, officially kickstarted 2 days of working with communicator off... or may be 2 days of planning to do so ... to wake up to another guilty monday morning! Anyway, living it up with the latest track my kids & I have picked up. Die hard fans of AM! :D My ticket to feeling young... with the body of a 60 year old :S. I have certainly physically aged with all this sitting around. I'm ashamed of my lifestyle right now. I should do something about this. Will procrastinate this ... for 1 month to be precise, so I can draft a concrete set of 2021 resolutions... that will enable some more procrastination of course. Anyway here is whats on loop on my play list & in my head when Im not with Jabra.

"Look At Us Now What Have We Become? I Don’t Recognise Us Anymore"

Writers Block!

I don't think it right to call myself a writer but still... May be more appropriate to say what I faced was a 'bloggers block'!! Still feel quite numb inside like nothing excites me anymore.

Even binge watching stuff on OTT platforms has lost its charm. I keep contemplating going back to books... & I tried ... but - dead inside!

I was also sure that life had too much to offer to watch series. I always stuck to movies to get done with what I started. Even that changed... because - dead inside!

So anyway, caught up with a few remarkable series that explained patriarchy quite well. Queen's Gambit (because the in-laws couldn't stop raving about it) and now catching up with the Crown. Some of those dialogues in both these series have said it so effectively - like when Queen Elizabeth says "I would ask you to consider your response not that which my age and gender would suggest.. in light of the respect that my rank and my office deserve'. The Queen of all people had to say this!!!... and that too in the beginning of the 20th century. This dialog is still relevant and I believe every woman - even someone as common as me - can still use this!! Actually, truth be told, I never ever thought I would sympathize with the obstinacy of British royalty but I finally have begun to understand their side! I'm amazed at how every coin does have two sides after all.

Final Moments

Those significant moments in your life when you say to yourself - 'this is it' & you take in as much of the moment as you can ...because deep down you know that this is the last time you will encounter that familiarity that you're used to... be it a house, a city, a pet or a person that meant something to you. Those final moments before you lose them forever (deliberately or otherwise - even to death sometimes) carry the most pain!

The journey or the milestone?!

Its like the chicken-egg dilemma I guess. So often we lose ourselves chasing milestones and forget to enjoy the journey. I believe Im beginning to appreciate that more now. Atleast that's one good thing the millenials seem to have figured out way ahead of my batch of people..

But some milestones sneak up on you without much notice & this current milestone we achieved makes me really really happy. Happy-sad in a way because the start of something is the end of something else. Anyway, hope leads us on. So that's phase 1 of milestone done. We have some distance to cover to reach the end goal. Till then we will make the most of right now! I guess the only thing we have to constantly remind ourselves is to keep going no matter what!! Reminded of an old favorite track of mine:

Gone!

A million hearts broke today - including mine..

Thank you for the Music!

In this dream called life..

Movies can create magic. It is (in many cases) the culmination of the meeting of so many talents. I assume dialogue writing requires a tremendous amount of talent. Some dialogs make you ponder & some dialogs make you wonder. Then there are those that smash open your head - because you have said that very same dialog at some point of time in your life - or may be someone has said that to you! Makes you think that after all, movies reflect life itself & its just a set of people telling bits of their own story. Baz Luhrmann is a master at that. This genius got me thinking 20 years back & he still has me locked under his spell.

Moral Compass

"Every saint has a past

Every sinner has a future"

Fitoor

What a perfect title to a movie that cant be understood until you have lived some of that madness! This was a long pending one. The songs were so deep & I remember enjoying it with someone & we promised ourselves we would watch it. Its been so many years later that I managed to keep my promise. ARK is a dream. He has the perfect expressions. He never fails to impress... be it Aashiqui 2, Malang or fitoor. Fitoor is like a painting on a canvas. Only Katrina's plastic face gets in the way a bit. (Plastic in more ways than one - not only heavily modified, plastic-surgeried but also plastic in terms of lack of expressions. It annoys me because she was so beautiful naturally). That just reminded me of another annoying plastic face I watched recently under the pretext of a biopic. Bollywood's favorite topic - Nepotism, is good fodder for blogging but not today. Not to take away from fitoor. There were a couple of points in the movie that ... just struck a chord... somewhere... Some words make you see reality in a more poetic way. "Ab Khud se aazaadi to sirf maut hi de sakti hai... ya phir ishq". So beautifully written!

Alvida Noor! Zinda rahein to phir milenge...

Worth

Happy-Sad

Something conspired in the Universe to give me a near-perfect birthday! Just 1 terrible glitch but otherwise it was great. Im still negotiating with the glitch but given my stats, thats a far-cry from my 'normal' birthdays!!


So anyway, wallowing in all the attention, I headed into the weekend on a high! It all ended with a massive thud after a humongous blunder... always wondered if I could use the term 'monumental blunder' as dear old wiki1 did... & that day has finally arrived!!


So I dont know whether it was that or whether it was the impactful "Clara" that I was watching last night ... but I ended up waking with an achy-breaky heart on Sunday Morning! What I saw was so real... I could feel it... I still feel it. The feeling of losing a battle, the feeling of being discarded! All I saw was a dear old friend moving on in life without me. If you ask my awake mind - thats exactly what I want. But I guess subconsciously its not! Weird the ways of the mind!


And so, the newly kind universe tried to make up for the morning blues, by giving me a once in a life time chance to carve into freshly laid cement! Cant wait for it to dry!!


As I get sucked into the next whirlwind week, I remind myself that all's not lost! Here we gooooo...

Ugh!

Explains why the week sucks! Bleh!

.....

Can I opt out? 'Skip week' sounds good!

Bad moms 101

You know that feeling growing up, when you thought your parents knew shit about raising kids & you would not be anything like them. Fastforward 25 years and you aspire to try & achieve atleast 10% of what they achieved.


There's no perfect parent. There are a lot of things my parents did wrong and Im sure they realize it too. But the point is, its not something you understand in the moment. Its always lessons in hindsight.
Today, as a mom, I dont know if Im being too strict or too lenient, if Im spending too less time or too much time with them, if I know too much about them or too little about them, whether Im making them work too hard or play too hard... I dont know, until may be they fly out of the nest & I am lucky enough to see them live their adult lives. And the fact is that as much as we are influenced by our upbringing, a lot of what we become also depends on life situations & luck... or fate!

But there are some moments these fears get the better of me. Every group of friends posts talent-show-videos of their kids. I guess my silence in these groups is so evident that every once in a while Im prompted to talk about my kids. My standard one-liner 'Genetically, my kids are not as lucky as yours!'. And I stay silent through all the theatrical reassurances that follow.
The in-laws always seem to get it right too. The family is very proud of the next gen (read cousins of my kids) aspiring to become neurosurgeons, paediatricians, scientists in the field of medical research and have always been on top of the class... AND have other passions - like play the piano, paint like picasso, bake fancy cakes like the ones you see on TV... etc etc etc. So during one of those discussions, my kids were asked (yet again) what they want to become when they grow up. The elder one drops the first bomb - 'Veterinarian' she says... 'I love animals'!. And if that wasnt 'scandalous' enough for my mother-in-law, my younger one jumps in with '& I wanna be an Amazonian'!! The mother-in-law is hoping that the younger one has better aspirations & Amazonian is some specialist doctor and propelled by that hope she asks what this job involves. Lil miss diva unabashedly explains 'bows & arrows with a shield, fighting guys, looking cool, flying, wearing short skirts... ' and my mil is clueless. I try hard to save face & buy time using the 'I have no idea... she's too small.. so whats for lunch' tactic. And in my mind, like a newsroll, I read 'while my counterparts on the in-laws side are prepping their kids for med-school, I make my kids watch WonderWoman. I must be the scum on bad-moms-planet'.


It took me days to recover. I spoke to the husband & to myself a lot. Finally, it boiled down to 1 question - do I really want to see my kids become doctors? I know the answer is 'not unless they want to - & desperately so at that'. Its a noble profession AND one of the toughest.


For that matter I dont want them to take up any profession to make me look good or to make me happy. I know for a fact that the only way I'll be happy is if they are happy. As it is, life's not going to be easy no matter what they do! I just hope, wish & pray they can find their peace.


So - yes! There's no perfect parent. But also, there's no perfect child. However, they are both perfect in each others' eyes. I will always love them & I hope never to belittle their achievements. Living on a prayer & taking one day at a time as they grow up way...way too fast.


Go on, my child and be that Amazonian you want to be. Even if you dont become WonderWoman, & even if you're just one of those fighting in the background, give it your best shot and just be happy. Mommy's proud of you! :*

Loss!

What is it with rich people going through loss thats appealing? It didnt even strike me as a big deal until the question was asked in as many words.. When some migrant labourers lost their lives on a railway track, I too am guilty of thinking 'what fools would lie down to sleep on a railway track?!'. I failed to see - like that article pointed out - that for someone walking hundreds of kilometers, the track gave them a sense of security. It was the very absence of trains that made them walk down the track!
Why did some article have to put things in perspective? Why was it natural for me to feel bad about the obnoxiously rich widow of Kobe Bryant with more resources than one can imagine. There is that sense of wonder when we look up to those fancy people in gilded cages with fascinating lives & easy solutions. Thats what it was - the easy chopper ride solution to the traffic problem. Simplified time management - if you have the resources! & yet I relived the pain on Kobe & Gigi more than those poor, tired, labourers who had no expectations from life but survival.
I think... while its easy to fathom a man of less means having no control over his situation, succumbing, its dramatically different when a man of wealth & influence succumbs to his situation with absolutely no control as well. You always imagine money & stature can get u anything & keep you in control ... & you realize that its so far from the truth that you have to recalibrate your thoughts... & all of a sudden you dont know what to do? Keep your ambitions of that high life you foresee or keep it simple & ... I dont know... become a yogi..?? Its confusing. I dont know what to do any more!
So its obviously intriguing, to see people with everything in the world go through pain & reassure yourself that money isnt everything.. Sour grapes may be!
Anyway, talking of death brings me to a tangent. Indian cinema has been particularly affected in 2020... Actor deaths affect movie buffs like me... because every one of them holds some meaning & has some relation to a memory. So its like some part of you dies when they pass on.
Irfan did life of Pi -which is somehow connected to Nirbhaya for me. Irfan also did lunchbox which I hated (because I hate abrupt endings) but there was something about that movie that nags at you for the rest of your life... about how some mistakes were probably the best accuracies of your life.
Rishi Kapoor - so many many memories... Chandni, bol radha bol, khel khel mein, rafoo chakkar, AAA... too many to list. I grew up watching him!
People kept talking about these 2 and their struggle with cancer but I thought its just a matter of time before they recover... with all their resources... Both active till their end. Their parting put me on the edge.  Somebody dear to me was recently given 2 years to live & she seemed alright when I spoke to her & so I thought the doc must be exaggerating. But after hearing about Irfan & RK, I just know I have to spend as much time with her as I can. My heart feels heavier now.
Then the Kannada hero - Chiranjeevi Sarja. I didnt really care too much for him but loved his wife in some of the movies she did. Followed him only for her sake. It was crazy scary the way he left leaving her with an unborn child. I was almost there... around 14 years back.. so it hit me particularly hard.
And one week down we have Sushant - gone too soon. And as always, the moment there's a suicide, everyone jumps in to explain how its a cowardly act, & no matter what suicide shouldnt be an option. These experts have never been there. And if I hadnt been there myself, I guess I too would have parrotted the same nonsense on cowardice & courage.
Anyhow - 2 shaky sundays took 2 much loved men away - 1 who desperately wanted to live and another who desperately tried to live.   
And as always life goes on... & I thank God for my dear ones who are with me while they're still here (& the ones who are there somewhere... anywhere... as long as they are 'there'.. & OK)... & while at that, I also take up every silly fight with my loves :) because, like I said, life goes on!

WA Whirlpool!

So much has been said about the whatsapp group dynamics & non-sense that everyone generally puts up with. We are social animals after all. So we stay in some groups to be 'politically right' - be it family politics or office politics and we stay in some groups inspite of the odd nutcases who spoil the otherwise fun group...
Even if I gave up on being social/political, apparently there are office mandates on being available on WA!
& then ofcourse, there is the torture of the in-law who will only video call & the parent who will only send a ton of non-sensical forwards! As much as I love them both, I wish they hadn't discovered this app!


Im so tired of all these antics... & I don't see a solution to get out of this mess to catch some peace. I gave up on fb because of precisely these stupid games of pretense that were using up my energy & now Im stuck in that same whirlpool!


Finally, when I decide on putting up with all this in some sort of clinical way, Im reminded of exactly why no amount of tolerance will help.


One of my best friends that I met up with last Feb asked me the same question he always does - 'why dont you respond in the group?'. What I wanted to say was 'what I say never matters and anyway you dont have too much tolerance for messages that dont meet your high standards'. What I ended up saying was '. 'I do respond in the group' - with a smile he understood. He said 'Happy birthday doesnt count'! So I tried my diplomacy hat - 'I dont know if what I say matches with the thought process of others'. & he said 'so what?! its a group. You should speak your mind'. So supportive... but I somehow felt an uneasiness I couldnt explain.
Fast forward a few weeks, I started responding more & every time I did, there was a comment from my dear supportive friend.
And so last week there was this thread, that I picked up keeping in mind his 'advice' - & lo & behold, he passes his opinion on my comment yet again. By opinion - its a subtle suggestion on how my comment is inaccurate in some sense. I wanted to respond 'Im so sorry my opinion did not match yours' but the whatsapp diplomacy kicked in as I responded with a simple 'you are right'. I foresaw my overthinking self if I did not allow for the diplomatic answer and chose peace over that. However, I made a note yet again to myself & I did vow - AGAIN, never to be fooled by 'advice'!


Meanwhile, I have disabled all notifications on groups as I try and bargain on some peace. Mom & I crib about the insanity of it all - For once old & older agree we think :) Enough fodder for Midnight conversations with Mom. 'yeah right! Nostradamus said so!'

In or Out?!

The more greys on my head, the more grey I see in my attributes. All that idea of black & white is fading...


So am I a home bird or a vagbond?! I thought I wanted to break free & roam to my heart's content... but whenever I broke free I wondered if I wanted to stay at home & just be... and when lockdown finally enabled just that, turns out I'm longing to go out.


Today - after ages of immobility, I finally had to step out of home. I almost couldnt remember what it felt like to go 'OUT'! Moment of truth - was whether i would fit into my jeans!! That was the first hurrah. Atleast it fit.. irrespective of how! There was this meme that read 'my shoes must think I've died'. Well I guess so does my lipstick. It felt like heaven to see some color on my face. Got into the car & the husband rained down on my short-lived lipstick party - hands me the newly mandated travel companion - the mask! I guess I'll just have to acquire a new life-skill aka art of using eye-liner/maskara!


As we headed out, I couldnt believe what a relief it was to hit the road. I was ecstatic & the husband said 'so little to make you happy! Why did you have to wait for me to do this??'


Life's little pleasures can never be over-exaggerated - ever! If anything, thats what lockdown teaches us.

Once bitten..

...twice shy!





M for Magic

What is magic?

Magic is something that warms your heart
Its something that doesnt seem to be scientific or factual.
Its something thats longed for.


Is it only apparent on stage shows or in wild imagination? Is it just an illusion?


No.. I dont think so...


It exists!


In all those beautiful sunrises & sunsets that we actually take the time to watch..
In all the beautiful music/art that talented artists create & we identify with...
In all food we crave for..
In all the love that our dear ones give...
In all the pure laughter that we share...
In all the bits of nature around us...
In the helping hand that reaches out to us in time of need...
In the gaze of someone who truly understands us..
In the touch of someone who truly feels for us...
& in so much of our everyday life...
Magic Exists!


Reason for so much alternate thinking is a sudden longing to catch my all time favorite movie. So shallow one may think. But, how easy is it to feel magic often or predictably? Among all the other things, I get re-introduced to a bit of magic every time  I watch this movie. Its my dose of magic when I need a quick pill.



Insight

This is something that resonates with me. Something so profound from the man who made millions laugh.  This quote has managed to stick with me for a while now... My lovely Mrs Doubtfire.. you are missed..

kalikaalam

We live in times when politicians have become comical & comedians have had to adapt & become political!

Happiness is...

...the sweet little voice that calls out 'Perammaaa'  with a tune to it as he thought of me in his achievements! <3

MU forever

Yes...some days more than others..

LL

LL not for learners license but for lessons learnt.


Note to self:
If it didnt work out with you & someone during the period of your first interaction, quit trying to make it work years later! There's a reason it did not work in the first place. Just because you have aged & you think you're mature, you will not be able to turn things around,. The dynamics between you two will still be the same & no amount of maturity or patience will make things work!


I understand now with all the past life touch points in Feb & March!


While the past life ones are likely the ones who re-entered & so can be cut off again, there are others that are permanent fixtures and cant be cut off! Now thats a different game altogether. At the end of the day, blood is thicker than water.




Surrounded by so many but feeling alone as hell! Some days..!!!

Bittersweet Feb

Marching away now at top speed & there's hardly time to reminisce... but I so badly felt the need to pause & look back at this beautiful month.

Its the month that united my parents. Its the month that gave me my daughters. & for all reasons other than the fact that its the only month with varying number of days, February is special.

& special it was this year with a lot of nostalgia inducing meetings. I met a lot of people from my past life! :D Well,7-15 years back does seem like a past life so different from right now!

First I met an old colleague-turned-great-friend from my first job. Meeting him after almost 12 years. He almost shed a tear when he realized that the tiny tot he captured through his lens is now a teenager. Not tears of joy but more tears of apprehension on how old we are! :D

Then I met another ex-colleague. We were so close. She's also my name-sake. Imagine bumping into someone after almost 8 years on your way to office - especially when both of us don't frequent that route!! What luck! We couldn't contain our excitement! People around us wondered what the hell was wrong with us - but ofcourse, we didn't care a damn!

& then I met the one lady I love, admire & respect so much since the day I met her. It was love at first sight for me!! :D The lady who delivered both my daughters. She's one of the busiest doctors around this part of the country at least. What really made my day... & month... & year (& some more) was the fact that she remembered my name!!! After meeting several thousands a month, to see me after seven years & remember my name - that is indeed special. Cant thank her enough for so many many things! She teaches me the joy of modesty & simplicity every time I meet her.

& finally I met up with some dear friends from college after almost 17-18 years! Now that was the definition of nostalgia. 3 guys, a girl & a pizza!! :D Super fun!

But ofcourse, as the title of this blog suggests - it wasn't all sweet. There were so many really sad instances that happened this month. So many sad stories and deaths with crazy, nasty fate destroying lives... Add to it the nonsense around corona. It just reminds you how fragile life is & how every moment is to be cherished.

So thank you February, for keeping the balance & helping me find the goodness in all the mess around. As I march into March, I have good memories to remind me that life's not just about being crazy busy but also being happy-alive.

Rock solid!

I'm just a nobody

Tryin' to tell everybody

All about somebody

Who saved my soul!

Whats in a heartbeat?!

Soul music, favorite rhythm, piece of heaven

viva la copa!!

When women's lib finally hits home!! 

Riddance

One Call too far away

Charlie Puth is a common favorite at home & kids have this song on repeat...

Great song but it irks me a bit each time I hear it. I mean... "Alexa play one call away"... & my heart kind of just tugs at me to say "Ugh no"! The stupid guy wrote lyrics that describe my one-call-away who's no longer my one-call-away.... someone whom I had to physically tear myself apart from the day I realized that the person was not one call away any more. Universe, let me be. Don't make it more difficult than it already is!

Ho ente Rajappo!!!

Watched this awesome movie during Christmas break and it turned out to be one of the most entertaining movies I've watched in recent times. Sure there are some loose ends but the fun, joy, excitement and idea of it all! It just gave me pure joy! I was grinning from ear to ear for the entire time of the movie... & then some more!!

Suraaj is an amazing actor with amazing talent but somehow the presence that Prithviraj has on screen - it is unmatched. You can love to hate him, but you cannot ignore him. He may be a showoff & at times brazen, but he is a brilliant actor and an awesome orator. Love to listen to his interviews no matter how much I'm told he's fake. Most of the times he says just the right things - whether he means it or not! I mean, how many of us are actually speaking the truth a 100% of the time we open our mouths. Take a job interview for example!!!

And his genes!! His dad was just as brilliant and so is his brother. The three are pure talent .. but I guess Sukumaran & Indrajit haven't got their due recognition unlike the luckier Raju. I love all 3 of them!

PS has this ability to create a depth in his scenes - no matter how insignificant the scene. There was this scene in driving licence where he says goodbye to his wife. Not very significant in the overall movie but the depth he adds... the way he looks at her... the look of a tortured man!! Absolute brilliance. He doesn't even have to utter a word!!

I can go on and on. But I'll stop here with this one song. I love the way he emotes for romantic scenes & it just seems so genuine. So close to what I have seen IRL (tongue in cheek).

TMI

My lil brigade had this song on repeat mode last summer. Blame Spiderman! My little N (nephew - or read son born from a sister-womb) is fascinated with all things spidey. Downside: a beautiful song lost its sheen.

Now, after a break, I chanced upon it and I'm learning to fall in love with it again.

Which makes me think there's soooooo much content out there. Whatever we have now - songs, pics... its not relevant in a couple of days! We're the fast-food-generation thanks to all this digitization. Cant really hold on to anything for too long... not even thoughts. Unlike the more stable last gen. I mean my dad still listens to his favorite songs of the 60's.

I love this old woman for setting this example.

I sometimes hit the pause button & look at old pics. Not so old actually. Just from about 13 to 5 or 6 years ago..... relive those moments. I was telling the husband that time is passing too soon & I miss those days. He uttered some golden words (he doesn't do that often but has me completely dumbstruck on such occasions. Don't know where he hides the wisdom the rest of the time). He said "in a few years from now you will miss this time. So enjoy what you have".

Reaffirms something deep down. My defense mechanism might just not be too bad after all. More about that in another post.