Tuesday, 17 November 2015

Free falling

I'm flying in the dark..
aimlessly...
Not knowing
what's in my destiny...
And then I see brightness..
I see what I want...
Desire consumes me...
I need you now!
You are my destiny
and I can see you beckon me!
I rush in..
Its getting warmer
but it's also getting brighter...
I endure the heat
to be one with light..
Its unbearable... but I want more...
Until I'm one with you & I'm no more.
You have consumed me.
But that is my destiny.
After all, what else should a moth do..
but fly into your arms, light, & be one with you..?

Wednesday, 11 November 2015

Flowery Memory

Like music transports you into a different era of your life & invokes feelings (very often nostalgic) of some of the times gone by, there are some flowers that have the same effect on me. They remind me of the different personalities I've had... of different weird thoughts I had... & of my thoughts on life in general. Some of them make me laugh while some put me in deep deep thought.... I wonder if the best time is already gone!

So here's one of my favorite flowers.

No idea what its called. I used to admire them on the way back home from school. They were on a couple of fences that protected  some beautiful bungalows. I loved its color, I loved its simplicity. It was a time when we were learning about stamen & stigma in school. This flower made it so easy to understand. We learnt about pollination & I did my part in transferring the white pollen onto the black stigma. I was helping I thought! :) Ah well! Pollination brings a lot of memories on different levels. It made me question for the first time what the human equivalent of it was!! Nobody will believe the extent of my stupidity if I even told you that I put across this question to my dad of all people! I still remember the conversation.... I explained the whole process of pollination & my dad was proud of his daughter's learning abilities ... until I asked 'so how does it happen in humans then?'. My dad's eyes almost popped out of his eye-sockets. I still remember his expression. I knew something was wrong. He called out to my mom who was in the kitchen & she came out in the midst of all the cooking mess she was in. He said 'your daughter wants to know how it happens in humans'! She had a shy smile on her face, didn't utter a word, & went straight back in. In hindsight... I wish the earth had engulfed me then & there!

I really had no clue. I was so scared of 'human pollination' that I wondered if sitting down where some other guy sat would get me pregnant!! Hilarious for anyone who hears this, but not for someone who has lived through that! And of course, oddly enough, this pollination seemed to be successful only when people got married. Some mystery!!

It took many many more years before I actually figured out that mystery! I didn't know if it was yuck or worth experimenting.


Anyway, coming back to flowers...here's another one.

I call it my Christmas bell. Its of course named something else - cypress red vine... or something. It grew in abundance in my mom's house. I just loved looking at it. Endless days of school vacations on the corridor of my mom's beautiful ancestral home... where I would ponder about life's mysteries... & I would look at this flower & feel one with nature. I noticed it more during Christmas I guess... which is why it has registered as the Christmas bell in my mind.

And here's another flower that came in so handy during our 'house-house' adventures.
When I played the 'wife'...& of course, wives had to cook. So that's what the house-house game was always about. Cooking! Cooking with whatever was available... mud,leaves, flowers... & make as many different mixes of colors as possible! Coconut shells for vessels too. This flower was the carrot! :) The 'carrot flower'!!

O! And here's one flower that's remembered more for academic reasons - strangely... because that doesn't happen often to me.
Its the clitoria!!! Back then I was too naive to know that that almost sounds like a part of the female anatomy but we kept saying 'clitoria' whenever we saw it anywhere!! Too embarrassed about that now! I didn't really notice how common this flower was until I actually had to study about it for biology. Have seen a red & also a white variant of it but of course the purple or blue one is the one we picked up for study & it's what I find most beautiful. Also called butterfly pea incidentally. Whenever I see this flower, it transports me to the awesome biology classes I had & that one teacher who made me fall in love with Biology. Her kind of poise & demeanor I have not seen in anyone else. Her name defines her! Peace! I wish I could be like her.. at least 1%!

The railway track flowers!

I saw them more near railway tracks ... & they have beautiful colorful berries too. They were the weeds that people didn't want... thorny bushes that were a nuisance... but those flowers! Beautiful flowers. I love seeing them... not just because they are beautiful, but also because they remind me of those awesome train journeys to Kerala. I didn't have a care in the world. Just super excited about the impending vacation fun. I also have a poster of my sweetheart RD posing in front of those flowers!!!! I love him for doing that photo shoot! :D

And finally,

this is one flower that amazed me the couple of times I saw it. I have seen it only 2 or may be 3 times in my entire life. It was the time when I was living my childhood dream of carefree existence. Just be! Not a care in the world. I would wander in our colony & I still remember the first time I saw it on the side of the road. Just a solitary flower in the grass. Nothing like I had ever seen before. Pure beauty! To imagine it was just lying in the grass!! I didn't feel like plucking it even. It was almost a year later when I saw it the next time ... again somewhere in the grass. It amazed me that such a beautiful flower could grow in the grass. The pure fantasy it brought out in me, makes this a very special flower & I will never forget that first moment my sight fell on it.


By the way, I'm not really a 'garden person'... you know, someone who will tend to a garden & nurture it with tender loving care. I hate filth & I don't have the patience. I'm more...selfish. If I really get my hands dirty, then my effort has to pay off. So if I ever do indulge in gardening, then it will be for fruits & veggies. Having said that, there is really something to a beautiful garden of flowers... That vision from 'Just like heaven'comes to mind ever so often. Its just so peaceful to even think of it... Hmm... anyway, I will decide the day I have some land & I have to get into gardening! Until then, I'm happy keeping my hands clean.


"Luke 12:27-28 - Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; but I tell you, not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these"

Irony of life


Tuesday, 10 November 2015

Damn it girl!

Get a move on!!


For all the - strong women don't need anyone else to define them - belief... what are u afraid of???


So really, Miss goody-two-shoes, what bothers you more? The fact that you wont have free access to him or that he's now happy with someone else?? Pure Evil!!


Live & let live! Follow your dreams... find a way to do it. Stop depending! Stop cribbing! If you're really strong, figure a way out yourself!

Wednesday, 26 August 2015

Addicted!

Addiction is a state characterized by compulsive engagement in rewarding stimuli, despite adverse consequences. It can be thought of as a disease or biological process leading to such behaviors. The two properties that characterize all addictive stimuli are that they are reinforcing (i.e., they increase the likelihood that a person will seek repeated exposure to them) and intrinsically rewarding (i.e., something perceived as being positive or desirable).

Treatment:
The treatment is focused on enabling the patient from abstaining from drugs of any form and under any conditions for the rest of their life. This is done by way of initially detoxifying the patient.

Withdrawal symptoms:
1. The unpleasant physical reaction that accompanies the process of ceasing to take an addictive drug.
2. Abnormal physical or psychological features that follow the abrupt discontinuation of a drug that has the capability of producing physical dependence. In example, common opiates withdrawal symptoms include sweating, goose bumps, vomiting, anxiety, insomnia, and muscle pain.

............

           ...I cant breathe..

                        ................................

Monday, 25 August 2014

Decaying Vessels!!

Lazy afternoon. National holiday. I'm skimming through channels & saw two of my favorite shahrukh numbers! Yummm! He was such a hottie!! Can't even compare the SRK of 90's with what's left of him now! Reminded of what was said in the church... we're nothing but decaying vessels. Yes of course. The increasing number of greys in my hair definitely remind me of that. But somehow, heart of heart, I'm still that child waiting to break free & do my own thing... setting all my inhibitions free... may be dance or skate or... whatever.... until I'm tugged at by either one of my li'l ones. Hmm... may be... just may be... in the distant future... when they're old enough for me to afford the time & I'm still not too old for all the activity I have in mind. Hope there is some such day. Is there someone shouting 'the time is right now'? I wish I knew how to work this out!!

Thursday, 13 February 2014

Gossip Therapy

I'm all sleepy & I still want to stay awake & see this actor's wedding stills. Mom is talking about how to handle my maid & I love that she's here & she's talking to me... but at that moment I'm just annoyed that I cant see these pictures in peace. Just let me be mom... I almost scream! .. by which time I realize she has just started talking about the maid's past history. Something we find scandalous. My antennas are up, droopiness gone & there's no further interest in the poor actor who got married. (they all look so good-looking & in love. Ah! Actors of course! They can show any emotion & look convincing! judgmental me!) I want to hear more now but mom's sleepy. She's done. I don't want to leave her & she wonders why the sudden interest in her! :) She decides its too late to sit n chat! <sigh>
So what is it about scandal & bitching & gossiping that is so interesting? What is it about this that makes me feel good?! I must be a mean bitch. That's probably the only explanation but I'm not going to proclaim that in front of anyone!(or did I just do that??!!)
I'd really like to think of myself as a relatively nice person (I know there's a lot of ambiguity in that statement... on purpose).I'm not all that bad. But what would explain this bitchy behavior??
After my sis got married, my b-i-l influenced her so much, she lives out the life philosophies he's handed out to her. So while she was always interested in joining us for conversation now the difference is that nobody is allowed to complain. 'Why harbor all the negativity?' she asks! She feels that our family complains & gossips a lot. My take? Hullo!! how did you reach the conclusion that your family gossips a lot?? Doesn't that have the feel of complain/gossip. To each his own. You don't want to do it, just don't join in.
O yeah! Reminds me! I'm a bitch alright. I still don't have an explanation on my behavior.
Hmm... let me think. I'm not apologetic about what I am. I don't want to change. Might want to change in the future... but I don't know now. And guess what?! Gossip does make me happy. Why? Because it makes me feel that there are so many people out there with bigger, worse problems, that I'm not the only one who does silly mistakes in life, that others who judge me actually don't deserve to judge me & that those who looked down on me actually weren't very worthy beings themselves of any super status. It also takes my mind off my stress/worries/problems. What more do I need?!
So the bitch that I am, I definitely look forward to the day when I can sit with my 2 girls & bitch away ..& laugh & have fun. All you idealists out there... go on... your road to heaven is all evident. Enjoy your ride. We mortal sinners refuse to change!