Sunday, 30 August 2020
Sunday, 19 July 2020
Happy-Sad
Something conspired in the Universe to give me a near-perfect birthday! Just 1 terrible glitch but otherwise it was great. Im still negotiating with the glitch but given my stats, thats a far-cry from my 'normal' birthdays!!
So anyway, wallowing in all the attention, I headed into the weekend on a high! It all ended with a massive thud after a humongous blunder... always wondered if I could use the term 'monumental blunder' as dear old wiki1 did... & that day has finally arrived!!
So I dont know whether it was that or whether it was the impactful "Clara" that I was watching last night ... but I ended up waking with an achy-breaky heart on Sunday Morning! What I saw was so real... I could feel it... I still feel it. The feeling of losing a battle, the feeling of being discarded! All I saw was a dear old friend moving on in life without me. If you ask my awake mind - thats exactly what I want. But I guess subconsciously its not! Weird the ways of the mind!
And so, the newly kind universe tried to make up for the morning blues, by giving me a once in a life time chance to carve into freshly laid cement! Cant wait for it to dry!!
As I get sucked into the next whirlwind week, I remind myself that all's not lost! Here we gooooo...
So anyway, wallowing in all the attention, I headed into the weekend on a high! It all ended with a massive thud after a humongous blunder... always wondered if I could use the term 'monumental blunder' as dear old wiki1 did... & that day has finally arrived!!
So I dont know whether it was that or whether it was the impactful "Clara" that I was watching last night ... but I ended up waking with an achy-breaky heart on Sunday Morning! What I saw was so real... I could feel it... I still feel it. The feeling of losing a battle, the feeling of being discarded! All I saw was a dear old friend moving on in life without me. If you ask my awake mind - thats exactly what I want. But I guess subconsciously its not! Weird the ways of the mind!
And so, the newly kind universe tried to make up for the morning blues, by giving me a once in a life time chance to carve into freshly laid cement! Cant wait for it to dry!!
As I get sucked into the next whirlwind week, I remind myself that all's not lost! Here we gooooo...
Monday, 13 July 2020
Sunday, 12 July 2020
Bad moms 101
You know that feeling growing up, when you thought your parents knew shit about raising kids & you would not be anything like them. Fastforward 25 years and you aspire to try & achieve atleast 10% of what they achieved.
There's no perfect parent. There are a lot of things my parents did wrong and Im sure they realize it too. But the point is, its not something you understand in the moment. Its always lessons in hindsight.
Today, as a mom, I dont know if Im being too strict or too lenient, if Im spending too less time or too much time with them, if I know too much about them or too little about them, whether Im making them work too hard or play too hard... I dont know, until may be they fly out of the nest & I am lucky enough to see them live their adult lives. And the fact is that as much as we are influenced by our upbringing, a lot of what we become also depends on life situations & luck... or fate!
But there are some moments these fears get the better of me. Every group of friends posts talent-show-videos of their kids. I guess my silence in these groups is so evident that every once in a while Im prompted to talk about my kids. My standard one-liner 'Genetically, my kids are not as lucky as yours!'. And I stay silent through all the theatrical reassurances that follow.
The in-laws always seem to get it right too. The family is very proud of the next gen (read cousins of my kids) aspiring to become neurosurgeons, paediatricians, scientists in the field of medical research and have always been on top of the class... AND have other passions - like play the piano, paint like picasso, bake fancy cakes like the ones you see on TV... etc etc etc. So during one of those discussions, my kids were asked (yet again) what they want to become when they grow up. The elder one drops the first bomb - 'Veterinarian' she says... 'I love animals'!. And if that wasnt 'scandalous' enough for my mother-in-law, my younger one jumps in with '& I wanna be an Amazonian'!! The mother-in-law is hoping that the younger one has better aspirations & Amazonian is some specialist doctor and propelled by that hope she asks what this job involves. Lil miss diva unabashedly explains 'bows & arrows with a shield, fighting guys, looking cool, flying, wearing short skirts... ' and my mil is clueless. I try hard to save face & buy time using the 'I have no idea... she's too small.. so whats for lunch' tactic. And in my mind, like a newsroll, I read 'while my counterparts on the in-laws side are prepping their kids for med-school, I make my kids watch WonderWoman. I must be the scum on bad-moms-planet'.
It took me days to recover. I spoke to the husband & to myself a lot. Finally, it boiled down to 1 question - do I really want to see my kids become doctors? I know the answer is 'not unless they want to - & desperately so at that'. Its a noble profession AND one of the toughest.
For that matter I dont want them to take up any profession to make me look good or to make me happy. I know for a fact that the only way I'll be happy is if they are happy. As it is, life's not going to be easy no matter what they do! I just hope, wish & pray they can find their peace.
So - yes! There's no perfect parent. But also, there's no perfect child. However, they are both perfect in each others' eyes. I will always love them & I hope never to belittle their achievements. Living on a prayer & taking one day at a time as they grow up way...way too fast.
Go on, my child and be that Amazonian you want to be. Even if you dont become WonderWoman, & even if you're just one of those fighting in the background, give it your best shot and just be happy. Mommy's proud of you! :*
There's no perfect parent. There are a lot of things my parents did wrong and Im sure they realize it too. But the point is, its not something you understand in the moment. Its always lessons in hindsight.
Today, as a mom, I dont know if Im being too strict or too lenient, if Im spending too less time or too much time with them, if I know too much about them or too little about them, whether Im making them work too hard or play too hard... I dont know, until may be they fly out of the nest & I am lucky enough to see them live their adult lives. And the fact is that as much as we are influenced by our upbringing, a lot of what we become also depends on life situations & luck... or fate!
But there are some moments these fears get the better of me. Every group of friends posts talent-show-videos of their kids. I guess my silence in these groups is so evident that every once in a while Im prompted to talk about my kids. My standard one-liner 'Genetically, my kids are not as lucky as yours!'. And I stay silent through all the theatrical reassurances that follow.
The in-laws always seem to get it right too. The family is very proud of the next gen (read cousins of my kids) aspiring to become neurosurgeons, paediatricians, scientists in the field of medical research and have always been on top of the class... AND have other passions - like play the piano, paint like picasso, bake fancy cakes like the ones you see on TV... etc etc etc. So during one of those discussions, my kids were asked (yet again) what they want to become when they grow up. The elder one drops the first bomb - 'Veterinarian' she says... 'I love animals'!. And if that wasnt 'scandalous' enough for my mother-in-law, my younger one jumps in with '& I wanna be an Amazonian'!! The mother-in-law is hoping that the younger one has better aspirations & Amazonian is some specialist doctor and propelled by that hope she asks what this job involves. Lil miss diva unabashedly explains 'bows & arrows with a shield, fighting guys, looking cool, flying, wearing short skirts... ' and my mil is clueless. I try hard to save face & buy time using the 'I have no idea... she's too small.. so whats for lunch' tactic. And in my mind, like a newsroll, I read 'while my counterparts on the in-laws side are prepping their kids for med-school, I make my kids watch WonderWoman. I must be the scum on bad-moms-planet'.
It took me days to recover. I spoke to the husband & to myself a lot. Finally, it boiled down to 1 question - do I really want to see my kids become doctors? I know the answer is 'not unless they want to - & desperately so at that'. Its a noble profession AND one of the toughest.
For that matter I dont want them to take up any profession to make me look good or to make me happy. I know for a fact that the only way I'll be happy is if they are happy. As it is, life's not going to be easy no matter what they do! I just hope, wish & pray they can find their peace.
So - yes! There's no perfect parent. But also, there's no perfect child. However, they are both perfect in each others' eyes. I will always love them & I hope never to belittle their achievements. Living on a prayer & taking one day at a time as they grow up way...way too fast.
Go on, my child and be that Amazonian you want to be. Even if you dont become WonderWoman, & even if you're just one of those fighting in the background, give it your best shot and just be happy. Mommy's proud of you! :*
Monday, 15 June 2020
Loss!
What is it with rich people going through loss thats appealing? It didnt even strike me as a big deal until the question was asked in as many words.. When some migrant labourers lost their lives on a railway track, I too am guilty of thinking 'what fools would lie down to sleep on a railway track?!'. I failed to see - like that article pointed out - that for someone walking hundreds of kilometers, the track gave them a sense of security. It was the very absence of trains that made them walk down the track!
Why did some article have to put things in perspective? Why was it natural for me to feel bad about the obnoxiously rich widow of Kobe Bryant with more resources than one can imagine. There is that sense of wonder when we look up to those fancy people in gilded cages with fascinating lives & easy solutions. Thats what it was - the easy chopper ride solution to the traffic problem. Simplified time management - if you have the resources! & yet I relived the pain on Kobe & Gigi more than those poor, tired, labourers who had no expectations from life but survival.
I think... while its easy to fathom a man of less means having no control over his situation, succumbing, its dramatically different when a man of wealth & influence succumbs to his situation with absolutely no control as well. You always imagine money & stature can get u anything & keep you in control ... & you realize that its so far from the truth that you have to recalibrate your thoughts... & all of a sudden you dont know what to do? Keep your ambitions of that high life you foresee or keep it simple & ... I dont know... become a yogi..?? Its confusing. I dont know what to do any more!
So its obviously intriguing, to see people with everything in the world go through pain & reassure yourself that money isnt everything.. Sour grapes may be!
Anyway, talking of death brings me to a tangent. Indian cinema has been particularly affected in 2020... Actor deaths affect movie buffs like me... because every one of them holds some meaning & has some relation to a memory. So its like some part of you dies when they pass on.
Irfan did life of Pi -which is somehow connected to Nirbhaya for me. Irfan also did lunchbox which I hated (because I hate abrupt endings) but there was something about that movie that nags at you for the rest of your life... about how some mistakes were probably the best accuracies of your life.
Rishi Kapoor - so many many memories... Chandni, bol radha bol, khel khel mein, rafoo chakkar, AAA... too many to list. I grew up watching him!
People kept talking about these 2 and their struggle with cancer but I thought its just a matter of time before they recover... with all their resources... Both active till their end. Their parting put me on the edge. Somebody dear to me was recently given 2 years to live & she seemed alright when I spoke to her & so I thought the doc must be exaggerating. But after hearing about Irfan & RK, I just know I have to spend as much time with her as I can. My heart feels heavier now.
Then the Kannada hero - Chiranjeevi Sarja. I didnt really care too much for him but loved his wife in some of the movies she did. Followed him only for her sake. It was crazy scary the way he left leaving her with an unborn child. I was almost there... around 14 years back.. so it hit me particularly hard.
And one week down we have Sushant - gone too soon. And as always, the moment there's a suicide, everyone jumps in to explain how its a cowardly act, & no matter what suicide shouldnt be an option. These experts have never been there. And if I hadnt been there myself, I guess I too would have parrotted the same nonsense on cowardice & courage.
Anyhow - 2 shaky sundays took 2 much loved men away - 1 who desperately wanted to live and another who desperately tried to live.
And as always life goes on... & I thank God for my dear ones who are with me while they're still here (& the ones who are there somewhere... anywhere... as long as they are 'there'.. & OK)... & while at that, I also take up every silly fight with my loves :) because, like I said, life goes on!
Why did some article have to put things in perspective? Why was it natural for me to feel bad about the obnoxiously rich widow of Kobe Bryant with more resources than one can imagine. There is that sense of wonder when we look up to those fancy people in gilded cages with fascinating lives & easy solutions. Thats what it was - the easy chopper ride solution to the traffic problem. Simplified time management - if you have the resources! & yet I relived the pain on Kobe & Gigi more than those poor, tired, labourers who had no expectations from life but survival.
I think... while its easy to fathom a man of less means having no control over his situation, succumbing, its dramatically different when a man of wealth & influence succumbs to his situation with absolutely no control as well. You always imagine money & stature can get u anything & keep you in control ... & you realize that its so far from the truth that you have to recalibrate your thoughts... & all of a sudden you dont know what to do? Keep your ambitions of that high life you foresee or keep it simple & ... I dont know... become a yogi..?? Its confusing. I dont know what to do any more!
So its obviously intriguing, to see people with everything in the world go through pain & reassure yourself that money isnt everything.. Sour grapes may be!
Anyway, talking of death brings me to a tangent. Indian cinema has been particularly affected in 2020... Actor deaths affect movie buffs like me... because every one of them holds some meaning & has some relation to a memory. So its like some part of you dies when they pass on.
Irfan did life of Pi -which is somehow connected to Nirbhaya for me. Irfan also did lunchbox which I hated (because I hate abrupt endings) but there was something about that movie that nags at you for the rest of your life... about how some mistakes were probably the best accuracies of your life.
Rishi Kapoor - so many many memories... Chandni, bol radha bol, khel khel mein, rafoo chakkar, AAA... too many to list. I grew up watching him!
People kept talking about these 2 and their struggle with cancer but I thought its just a matter of time before they recover... with all their resources... Both active till their end. Their parting put me on the edge. Somebody dear to me was recently given 2 years to live & she seemed alright when I spoke to her & so I thought the doc must be exaggerating. But after hearing about Irfan & RK, I just know I have to spend as much time with her as I can. My heart feels heavier now.
Then the Kannada hero - Chiranjeevi Sarja. I didnt really care too much for him but loved his wife in some of the movies she did. Followed him only for her sake. It was crazy scary the way he left leaving her with an unborn child. I was almost there... around 14 years back.. so it hit me particularly hard.
And one week down we have Sushant - gone too soon. And as always, the moment there's a suicide, everyone jumps in to explain how its a cowardly act, & no matter what suicide shouldnt be an option. These experts have never been there. And if I hadnt been there myself, I guess I too would have parrotted the same nonsense on cowardice & courage.
Anyhow - 2 shaky sundays took 2 much loved men away - 1 who desperately wanted to live and another who desperately tried to live.
And as always life goes on... & I thank God for my dear ones who are with me while they're still here (& the ones who are there somewhere... anywhere... as long as they are 'there'.. & OK)... & while at that, I also take up every silly fight with my loves :) because, like I said, life goes on!
Wednesday, 27 May 2020
WA Whirlpool!
So much has been said about the whatsapp group dynamics & non-sense that everyone generally puts up with. We are social animals after all. So we stay in some groups to be 'politically right' - be it family politics or office politics and we stay in some groups inspite of the odd nutcases who spoil the otherwise fun group...
Even if I gave up on being social/political, apparently there are office mandates on being available on WA!
& then ofcourse, there is the torture of the in-law who will only video call & the parent who will only send a ton of non-sensical forwards! As much as I love them both, I wish they hadn't discovered this app!
Im so tired of all these antics... & I don't see a solution to get out of this mess to catch some peace. I gave up on fb because of precisely these stupid games of pretense that were using up my energy & now Im stuck in that same whirlpool!
Finally, when I decide on putting up with all this in some sort of clinical way, Im reminded of exactly why no amount of tolerance will help.
One of my best friends that I met up with last Feb asked me the same question he always does - 'why dont you respond in the group?'. What I wanted to say was 'what I say never matters and anyway you dont have too much tolerance for messages that dont meet your high standards'. What I ended up saying was '. 'I do respond in the group' - with a smile he understood. He said 'Happy birthday doesnt count'! So I tried my diplomacy hat - 'I dont know if what I say matches with the thought process of others'. & he said 'so what?! its a group. You should speak your mind'. So supportive... but I somehow felt an uneasiness I couldnt explain.
Fast forward a few weeks, I started responding more & every time I did, there was a comment from my dear supportive friend.
And so last week there was this thread, that I picked up keeping in mind his 'advice' - & lo & behold, he passes his opinion on my comment yet again. By opinion - its a subtle suggestion on how my comment is inaccurate in some sense. I wanted to respond 'Im so sorry my opinion did not match yours' but the whatsapp diplomacy kicked in as I responded with a simple 'you are right'. I foresaw my overthinking self if I did not allow for the diplomatic answer and chose peace over that. However, I made a note yet again to myself & I did vow - AGAIN, never to be fooled by 'advice'!
Meanwhile, I have disabled all notifications on groups as I try and bargain on some peace. Mom & I crib about the insanity of it all - For once old & older agree we think :) Enough fodder for Midnight conversations with Mom. 'yeah right! Nostradamus said so!'
Monday, 25 May 2020
In or Out?!
The more greys on my head, the more grey I see in my attributes. All that idea of black & white is fading...
So am I a home bird or a vagbond?! I thought I wanted to break free & roam to my heart's content... but whenever I broke free I wondered if I wanted to stay at home & just be... and when lockdown finally enabled just that, turns out I'm longing to go out.
Today - after ages of immobility, I finally had to step out of home. I almost couldnt remember what it felt like to go 'OUT'! Moment of truth - was whether i would fit into my jeans!! That was the first hurrah. Atleast it fit.. irrespective of how! There was this meme that read 'my shoes must think I've died'. Well I guess so does my lipstick. It felt like heaven to see some color on my face. Got into the car & the husband rained down on my short-lived lipstick party - hands me the newly mandated travel companion - the mask! I guess I'll just have to acquire a new life-skill aka art of using eye-liner/maskara!
As we headed out, I couldnt believe what a relief it was to hit the road. I was ecstatic & the husband said 'so little to make you happy! Why did you have to wait for me to do this??'
Life's little pleasures can never be over-exaggerated - ever! If anything, thats what lockdown teaches us.
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