Break up Break!

I need to log this for future reference… just like I have a tattoo to remind me of some life lessons!

As my break draws to a close (I think..) here are things I’ve done… no!… accomplished during this time!

1.       Spent 2 entire summer vacations at home with parents. That is an accomplishment considering all the lectures & advice I had to put up with, taunts & jeers … & indirect references from relatives that I had to field AND all the housework I did! Its not something I enjoy but I did it! I did it for my parents & for my children. Part of it, I feel, I did for myself… but I’m not totally sure about that..

2.       Did not react to taunts on not being a ‘contributing member’ in my family! (Apparently money is the only contributing factor). O yes! Accomplishment! Now this is important because its easier to react than to not. Also, there are relationships that once are broken cannot be fixed. I have earned my way to a reasonably stable position among my in-laws & its more peaceful this way than to be right & to be heard!

3.       Used a lot of forgotten unattended stuff that I had accumulated over all these years. The accumulation happened because I bought things I thought I needed but didn’t actually back then. 😊 But I’m glad I did. It kept me comfy during the break. :P

4.       Handled the kitchen like a boss! 😊 Got compliments for all the food I prepared for my in-laws during their visits. Got my kids’ breakfast and lunch ready & packed, got them ready for school, fed them & took them to the bus stop every day on time on my own. No hubby, no maid. All the other kids had maids & 2 available parents & were yet running to catch the bus – almost 10 mins after the bus reached our stop! I’m definitely happy with this one! Nobody has credited me for this, I realized one day & I properly schooled my hubby about this! But men never listen… correction – married men never listen. – well at least not to their wives!  

5.       Completed a course that was loooooooooooooooooooong pending!! It was on my to-do list for too long & it was something that restricted my confidence at work. Although this is only the initial course & I have to gain experience & do the second part as well, I still feel more confident because I understand the subject better. I hope I get to complete this one in another 2 years. That will be my endeavor.

6.       Crocheted! Made scarves and caps & sweaters, gifted them, got compliments, gave lessons… This could be a whole new career option if I have more patience & if I can increase my crocheting speed. What was also quite heart warming was a compliment I received from my doctor sis-in-law. She said it was a great hobby and could help prevent dementia, thanks to the hand-eye coordination involved in crochet! 😊

7.       Finished a book! This was the most difficult and my most prized accomplishment of the break. It took me more than 20 attempts to get started on that one book and it was not until a couple of months back that I really started reading it. Atlas Shrugged! & so did my brain!!

I was a huge fan of Ayn Rand once I finished Fountainhead a long time ago. That was during another break about 10 years back. I told myself I will read Atlas Shrugged because it was the more famous one. My brain was too hyper to go beyond a couple of sentences each time I tried. In the end, I completed 1064 pages in 2 months! Am I thrilled or what?! Pat on my back. I’m proud of myself. The important thing is to keep going. The way I got started was by completing 10 pages a day at least. It required a lot of discipline and it worked. So, I have to take up other books now & keep it going.  Just got gifted something that I wouldn’t normally pick up but… I never read any of the books he gave me. At least this one I should! I owe it to you, D!

8.       Painted! 😊 Now this is a tricky one because I’m not sure if the fact that I painted is an accomplishment or that I just completed what I started. Nevertheless, its done! I love to paint but I don’t really have the skill to paint free hand. So, I got myself a paint by numbers kit and completed it. The framed version hangs in our front room now & I have to say, I’m quite happy with it.

9.       Discovered diamond painting, completed one & got my kiddos to complete another 2. One is framed in my bedroom and the other 2 are in the kids’ grandparents’ houses. I think I’m about done with that fad.

10.   Tried my hand at aari embroidery. Long way to go before I can do it at a decent pace but I did complete one piece of embroidery & it was appreciated a lot too 😊

11.   Finally got the ceramic wind-chime I wanted for so long & just started painting it. Put it on hold because of a mind block. Have to finish that next week.

12.   Got a convection oven & baked chocolate chip cookies!!! Yippeeee!!! Also made pizzas. Now the only part of this plan that’s remaining is to bake a cake. I have about 2 weeks of break left & I hope to catch up on this one.

13.   Restarted my blogging! Huge tick on that! 😊

Wow! Putting that down in words is almost therapeutic!!

To be or not to be... a housewife

Housewife! What a dreadful term. It somehow reminds me of housefly. 

'Desperate housewives' is another one! The name of that series seemed like tautology back then. I mean, if you're at home with only house work to do, you ought to end up feeling desperate?!... Or so I thought. Until I finally quit my job to be a housewife... & twice at that. Today I know a whole lot of 'housewives' who are not desperate & who are successful at what they do. I also realize that this will never be me. Period.

Science exhibition in school. My daughter wants a prize & so I have to make that happen, she says. She did win & when I went to her school (bent over with guilt) to check the items displayed, I was appalled. Miniature volcanoes, solar systems, robots… & what not… all credited to 5-6-7 year old somethings. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs to the school management – what? Are you nuts? Can you not see? Are you totally blind? This is all done by 30-40-50 year old somethings… parents/grandparents/outside agencies..? But school seems blissfully oblivious - as if I’m missing a circuit upstairs to even point out something like that. Hmm… so I think may be these kids are smart & its only I who have managed to produce a mediocre human being just like me. That was until I met a friend who knew about the science exhibition piece I’d made … because her daughter thought it was great. And this friend of mine tells me ‘So, you’re at home! That just explains how you get time to do such things for your child!’

Another month later I’m sitting for a PTM & I’m trying to explain to my daughter’s teacher that kids need to be independent & homework should not be assigned to parents. The bewildered teacher looks at me as if I’m from another planet while saying ‘Mam, you’re at home only no Mam?’!!! It really does feel like I’m from another planet. 

Fast forward another few months, there’s an inspection in the school. A new academic year has just started & so the display boards in the classroom are empty. How will the inspector be impressed? So, what does the teacher do? Well if it was the brain-dead me who was the teacher, I would proceed to teach the children & if I got asked any questions, I’d ‘try’ explaining to whoever it was, that the academic year had only just begun & charts will accumulate over the year. You see, that right there is why I’m an unsuccessful IT gal! 😊 But of course, since the class teacher was smarter than me, she asked the class for anyone with talented parents. Since my daughter is smart to recognize that as a cue to get into an influential spot vis-à-vis her teacher, she threw up her little enthusiastic hands… & so it was me the scapegoat (as it always turns out) who prepared a chart. I threatened my daughter that if I got any more such talent recognition, I would quit being a mom! ☹ Yeah! That definitely does not work!

What I have realized during my ongoing stint as a desperate housewife is that:

1.       I love my kids to death, but there’s a limit to how much I can be involved with them… as nasty a mom as I may sound. So, it’s better that I do something outside home – like take up a job… This for 2 reasons - one that its better utilization of my time and two that it’s a good reason to be restricted in the parenting part. ‘Chart anyone?’ … ‘O, your mom’s working! Its ok then’!

2.       I need much more money than just for basic survival - because there’s social media & the internet & because I’m human & I do get tempted. I thought through all the mind control & social media blackout etc. etc.  & had to conclude that it doesn’t work. ... not with me! I realized I cannot mimic Sadhguru no matter how many of his videos I see & there are a lot of unfulfilled dreams that I need to and can realize - only with money. As materialistic as I may sound, as long as I’m alive, I don’t think that is going to change. Have to reassess when I’m around 60-70+ years of age – if I do live that long

3.       People treat me differently when I work. This is not just true with school. Extended family, acquaintances… all of them treat me with more respect! Unfortunately, this is a reality!! The ‘housewife’ job has no respect. ‘You’re just at home’ is the tagline I get!

4.       When I have too much time on my hands, even activities I love, lose that element of magic & attraction. When I have absolutely no time, it gives me so much joy to even look at leaves in my garden for a minute! Definitely a mind thing but haven’t figured out a solution yet.

5.       Its hard to find friends to hang out with on a daily basis. This is killing! I cannot survive without f2f time with people I can communicate with.

Bottom line – I hate IT, but as long as I don’t have another career option that pays me decently enough, I desperately hope to get back to my IT life. I refuse to learn the lesson (of following your passion, doing what you love, & the insignificance of money) as I continue to struggle with FOMO and wiggle my way back to square one! 

Always with Me

Mea (alone) culpa

It is so beautiful when you get that rare instance to watch your kids not do the same mistakes you did! Yes, sometimes they do the right thing - the thing you didn't do when you were their age. Thank God they're not exactly like me!!

Linkin' it now!!

...Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me in the end
You kept everything inside
And even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually
Be a memory of a time when I tried so hard

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, it doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end, it doesn't even matter..


o Yeah!

Brain Fact#:

Going through junk on my phone I come across this:

"When you think about someone a lot, it means they were thinking about you first"

Hmm...

True or not, its definitely a feel-good line. I want to believe this!!... even if only 10% of those brain facts were worth reading and even lesser had a possibility of being true!

:/
 

Of block in pipes.. and block in brain..!!

Disclaimer: This is going to be a drab outpouring before I can think of anything imaginative. Sort of clearing the block!

So, its been a long time since I last underwent therapy (read blogged). I always had ramblings in my head but was too lazy to jot it down here... as time passed by. So, this one is just to jot down some ramblings and I don't think there is a topic or theme.
Down with the much spoken about, much heard about chicken pox. Most of the people I know have stories to tell about their time with chicken pox. I wanted my own but wasn't sure whether the experience would be endurable. And so it happened... in a season that apparently it shouldn't happen. After the kids came along I always imagined I would contract it from them, who would have contracted it from their friends. But apparently I am going to have to take the responsibility of bringing the virus home... and I'm yet to know if I have managed to pass it on to them. By this time next week I should know. In a way, its good if they're done with it... but I'm just worried about the hell I will go through during that time.. So its again  'I want - I don't want - I'm not sure' situation.... As I'm perennially in anyway.
I can sense there are multiple views about me now - of those who know my current situation. Husband away, managing 2 kids and home and career ... AND maid ....AND all other family members...!!.. all alone! Being alone has never been something I dreaded but now, I think the reason I actually feel 'alone' is because I don't have any friends I can connect to.. in the physical world at least, on a daily basis. Virtual world is happening as always. Thousands to go to. But when you actually want to sit down for a cup of coffee with a 'peer', that's something else. Family, kids, virtual world - all have their significance ... and girl friends have their own. I long for that kind of girl gang 'presence' in my life now. They are only there virtually which is simply not enough! So the varying views of people - ranging from parents who see me as brave (... which will never change even if I do nothing,) husband who sees me as normal but over thinking typical woman, girl friends who see me as very strong, neighbors who see me as a lunatic bordering psychopath and in-laws who probably see me as tantrum throwing cribber since they've been there done that in better style - all seem to impact me and get me thinking. This, as opposed to a completely different thought process a girl gang - when physically present, would have pushed me into. We would have probably been obsessing about some hot dude on TV or in office and pulling each other's legs about it. Distraction enough from such nonsense that anyway does no good - even worse - does harm, capturing brain time.
The scenario this time was over powering too. Like the Midas touch, for me it was breakdown touch. Everything I touched broke down! It started with no new maid showing up in spite of checking with an agency months in advance, hubby having too much work and contributing next to nothing during that one week he was here to fill in a maid's absence (much worse, going through depression due to office pressure), laptop with corrupted software requiring complete uninstallation & reinstallation, mad boss admonishing me for the first time, too much rain and terrible roads blocked due to water, temple festivities and traffic, car and bike refusing to start, kid falling sick yet again resulting in no sleep and (I thought) passing on fever to me, plumbing mess resulting in no water for a day and a half followed immediately by the washing machine breaking down. All forces of nature and mankind seemingly against me. All this in the span of less than 2 weeks. I had almost lost it... crying to my parents... which I hate doing. And finally, came the crowning glory - in chicken pox style. I did not know whether to be happy or sad. Dealing with a disease with nobody to help - except for a new maid that was giving me nightmares anyway. And still, in a way, I was happy that I would finally be able to get some sleep! The day I got the boils also happened to be the day my hormonal friend made her monthly visit. Talk about timing! And when your hormones are wrecking havoc as are the virus, my dad found it hard to believe I could scream at him for screaming at me. He's yet to talk to me. Men!
I don't know if it can get worse. I'm trying not to think of it, because I know it can get worse if it had to. So for now I'm only just holding on.. telling myself that 'chicken pox is lucky!' HA!. I hope things start looking up in a few more days.
Time off has definitely made me realize that I DO NOT miss my job. I would definitely prefer staying at home... at least till I'm mentally in a better state to get back to work. So I don't think I would mind too much when I put down my papers this month. I really do hope I can find a job after a second break and I hope I will have the courage to make the break short.. as will my fate. I do want more travels and journeys which will not be affordable if I stay at home. But for now, I'm going to stop myself from over thinking and pray the hike letter comes soon so I can resign. 
Just keep swimming... Just keep Swimming...