Something as simple as a solar eclipse got me thinking... Not even a full eclipse and the whole earth around us changed. It was beautiful … just what one sun & one moon can do! … and how insignificant our lives / our existence probably is!
Just yesterday my li'l one was asking me about grandparents, great grandparents and great-great-grandparents. But even with the collective memory of my parents & I, we couldn't really even list out details for more than 2 earlier generations.
So, of course, I'd be lucky if my children think of me beyond my time on this planet. After that I will probably cease to even be a distant memory!
That time of the year... I hate saying good byes... & hence melancholic!
So my earlier post brings me to this next post. Yes I belong to that long gone era. I'm old... & getting older.
So there are several stages in getting old and its slowly unravelling. If Im lucky to be alive long enough, I may some day be able to jot down all the stages - but for now I can cover the following stages that I have experienced.
1. The 'aunty' stage: I know I will always be a child at heart. I may not show it to all... or at all times to even the people who know the child in me, but I just feel like a child trapped in an old person's body! So with that mindset especially, when some random person called me 'Aunty' for the first time - it hit hard! After my experience I was able to identify this pain as it occurred in other women as well. When you have always been referred to as the 'little one' or at max a didi or chechi, 'aunty' can be quite shocking. But this stage almost always happens only to women and almost always keeps the person in denial about their increasing age.
2. The first grey: I remember my mom pointing out that I had greys and I did not believe her. I blamed her eyesight. So she proved her point by plucking it out for me and handing me the evidence. I broke down. The next couple of years were spent by my parents trying to find me solutions for 'premature greying'... knowing fully well that it wasn't premature. This continued till the day dad suggested I use this oil that would help premature greys and I responded 'yeah - it may help premature greys; not mine'. He laughed his heart out. And that was the end of that!
So the 2nd stage definitely helps in breaking the denial and brings in the acceptance phase. It was especially hard on me because my hair was the only part of me that I truly loved - and given how low my self esteem & self acceptance was, it was quite a hard hit.
3. The kids in office: So this was visible for many years in office. The crowd around me keeps getting younger. I know they are younger but how much younger … I try and not focus on it. So this third stage hit me like a bomb today. A guy in my team was talking to me and he asked me where I stay, if I own the place and how long I've been there. So I told him that I have been staying there for close to 15 years. He had an expression of shock on his face. He then asked me which years I did my graduation .. & when I answered him, he says 'O! I was in school at that time'! So much for making my day! Welcome to stage 3!
As socially awry as I got, quitting some forms of the dreaded social media & stuff, it still keeps getting the better of me somehow!
Right now I'm majorly catching up with the insta fad...Keeping up with some of the desi Kardashians and the like, getting influenced by the influencers... etc. etc.! Amazon is O-so-passé. :)
But I have to admit, besides having this pseudo-up-close-and-personal feel with some of my fave celebs on the site, & getting to shop chic stuff, insta also keeps me 'insta-ntly relevant' by giving me breaking news faster than some news channels can!! :D
The world in an insta... for me the 'social-caterpillar' <Always somewhere in between!>
… I realize I'm in love! Love that Bryan
Adams number with Mel C. It sounds cliché but it still manages to have profound
meaning with every reiteration - whether said/sung/written. There can be so many emotional shades to the same expression!
As somebody put words to this sentiment in another shade:
Luca & Niha did a good job too expressing this sentiment in the movie. Beautiful song from a beautiful movie which is not to be missed if you're a die hard romantic! Neeyilla Neram - when you're gone..
'Break pretense' is my mantra. There are so few people who are capable of being genuine and there are some who can be case studies!
I have my own issues in 'breaking pretense'. For someone to see the real me … well, I guess it might be easier to move the 'proverbial mountain'! :D But any how, when I say 'break pretense', the 'pretense' is more about all the thrills and frills people add to make themselves seem superior.
But how precious to find someone who has not a single one of those thrills or frills. They own the 'take me as I am' philosophy.
From day 1 that I met him, that's how he was & that is EXACTLY how he still is. Nothing - & I mean nothing has changed and nothing seems to affect him.
So it was that simple pleasure of bumping into that known face on the bus today and an hour long conversation that ensued that made my day seem so beautiful. He called out to me in the crowded bus without a worry on what the world would think! :D
An excerpt:
Me: How are u man?
P: Very good.
Me: You've been working for a year now. How does it feel?
P: Great! I get money
Me: Hmm.. what do you do with it?
P: The entire thing is a saving. I just use it for trips. I'm just back from Hongkong. I realized I over saved for the trip. I have so much money I could go for a trip tomorrow!
Me (thinking to myself): Is there even such a thing as 'over saving'??
Me: You don't even spend on food?
P: I tell my mom not to cook for me but she does. She gives me breakfast and lunch which is 3 dosas and 3 slices of cucumber everyday.
Me: You don't get bored?
P: I have been eating this for a year now. If I had to get bored I guess I would have by now. So I guess I never will.
Me: Cool Man! So, howz office and all? Do you need to stay back for a certain number of hours?
P: O yeah, they tell us to stay for 9 hrs. I finish work much before that. So its chill. I leave exactly after 9 hours in office.
Me: So what do you work on?
P: Nothing great. Just plain mouse clicks!
Me: Did you use the concepts we picked up earlier?
P: Nah
Me: You should. It may help you for promotions and stuff.
P: I don't care. I get paid & I'm happy with this money. So its cool.
Me: Hmm...…ok. so how is your sis?
P: She relocated to the US and is doing her masters in 'xyz'. Don't ask me what that is. I have no idea.
Me: LOL. Ok sounds cool anyway. What about you? Any higher studies again?
P: If I find any interesting PhD, may be.
Me: OK. So what else is happening?
P: I got a girl friend.
Me: (screaming inside my head - What?! do people say it out loud like this??? how am I supposed to react to this? What will this entire bus think?!)
Me: O! Super! Congrats!!
P: Yeah its just been a month. So not too serious yet.
………..
& this goes on...
& as Im about to get down at my stop
P: OK, so if you ever get on a bus at around this time, I'll be right here. I always leave office at the same time!!
Ha ha!! I love you man! You prove that its ok to be this way. You are path breaking & I don't know if I'll ever be able to be like you but I do aspire & I do try - every single day.
Just when I think that my Ms. Diva is all grown up, she screams 'I have a long way to go'!
So there was this news on a jewelry store robbery. Two guys wore helmets while they looted the store to their hearts content. TVs splashed the CCTV visuals generously across channels and Ms. Diva was assimilating it all.
And in a tone that the ladies aged beyond 80 use, who have had their share of experiences & can now sit and judge the rest with absolute disdain, Ms Diva (without batting an eyelid while watching the helmeted men) says, 'why in the whole world do these guys need bangles?'
As lost as I was, I explained how the gold was what mattered, no matter what the shape. She kept quiet knowing fully well that she had said something that may gather some attention. It took me a full 10 minutes to realize her thought process & burst out laughing.
And I realized how single tracked and conditioned my brain had become & how I was slowly becoming incapable of wild thinking/imagination/different perspectives!
Proud of you my dear Roll no. 54. Its not that I'm surprised by what you have achieved but ... I think... it just feels good when someone deserving makes it like it was expected in the first place. When I listened to your podcast I thought - "Well, atleast something's going right in this world!".
Only...I do hope that all the goings on have brought you as much joy & peace as you wanted it to.
Sort of continuing a bit here from the 'ego & hair..' blog post of mine. Be warned its another movie review.
Just caught up with a gem, & it so beautifully explained what I was trying to say in that post.
Movie Name: Thamasha. (Its the malayalam version of 'Ondu Motteya Kathe'. However I did find the 2 a bit different from each other & I liked the malayalam version better. Not taking any credit away from the Kannadigas. Its always easier to build on an idea. To get an original idea must definitely not be easy)
My blog had tried to explore the societal phenomenon of obsession with physicality rather than personality. Men continue to be taunted for socially unacceptable physical aspects such as balding heads & short statures while women are singled out for not being size zero & so many other such aspects. What thamasha beautifully encapsulates in 2 hours is that we need to open our minds and our hearts to completely remove this sort of prejudice. Heavy topic with light hearted treatment. Loved it!
O what bliss when you realize a life long dream :)
That first touch of snow was probably a touch of heaven. It makes my heart smile every time the memory of it crosses my mind.
This song gave me the chills!!! Quite literally! :D
1. first touch of snow
2. sharing that with a beautiful soul
The way we look does provide us an identity. Usually,
reasonably good looks give one confidence & so-called ‘bad looks’ give one
very little or no confidence to face world. Very few are successfully able to detach
sense of self-worth & confidence from their looks & this enlightenment
hardly ever comes during the most vulnerable teen or tween years. It only comes
past middle age for most or as a result of trying to survive an ordeal (like acid-attack survivors who teach us new lessons every day).
While this is part of the issue, I think the main issue is
with the complete distortion of information fed into everyone’s brains about
good/bad looks. They dictate to us that women need to be bone-thin with long lustrous
hair while men need to be tall & muscular. These are the basics … &
there are of course other specific requirements for each & every body part.
Its so ingrained in society & people that it’s quite amazing what media has
managed to accomplish. My Ms. Diva refused to cut her hair saying she did not
want ‘boy hair’ - whatever that meant! Social conditioning starts from the time
they are born!!
Since most discussions on this topic revolve around women’s
fat or the lack of it, today I thought it’d be interesting if I wrote about
hair on men’s heads – or the lack of it!
With respect to this, I have seen two types of guys around
me: one set that was endowed with thick hair on their head who took care of it
like it was their baby. They have special routines for it, use extra hold gel
to make crazy studdy hairstyles & won’t allow anyone to touch it!! (The 2
fads I totally cannot stand is 1 – guys letting their hair grow beyond shoulder
length & 2. Men with black hair dyed in light colors. Both I find totally gross!
- :P out of context but it just came with the flow!) This is pretty much like
Uncle Jesse in Full House! “Have Mercy” if anyone got close to his hair.
Then there’s this other section of guys who have started
balding really young & go around wearing caps! I hated that they did
that but as I get older, I understand that we all have different levels of
pride about different things – sometimes without realizing, and it takes time
to let go of it. So I cannot & will not be judgmental any more. Today I
know that although these guys wore their caps to cover their balding heads,
they were the fastest ones to let go of that false sense of pride about hair/looks & be less attached to the world of pretense. The
extra-hold-gel guys don’t get it until they start to gray or their hair falls
off due to sickness or age. Their balding counterparts are wiser much sooner.
I remember walking outside with my really cool uncle when I
was really small when he suddenly said, we’ve got to run now. I asked him why?
He said, - you know, one of the advantages of being bald is that you’re the
first to know when it starts to rain! 😊 It was a moment of enlightenment for me –
which is why I remember it even now… more than 30 years later!
O yes! That’s just one of the advantages. There are a lot of
them actually, come to think of it. They don’t have to worry too much about
hair upkeep & shampoos or about hair styles; they also don’t have to worry
about greys & regular appointments to dye it in order to keep one’s ‘hair-image’….
And yet there is a huge market for hair transplants &
what not, with so many testimonials in the paper. All sorts of celebrities
either directly or indirectly advertising for it. Matt McConaughey, Bono, Elton
John, Jude Law, Shane Warne, Jacques Kallis, & closer home Sourav Ganguly,
Virendar Sehwag, Gautam Gambhir, Harsha Bhogle & a whole lot of Indian actors.
While the Indian actors usually refrain from advertising about it & like to
behave as if they never lost any hair, the cricketers at least are not as
deceitful. These ads are like the fair & lovely ads for women (& men
also, now!). “Every girl I met refused to marry me. But now that I have hair
transplanted & regrown on my head I’m a stud & every girl wants me”.
But who’s going to teach the impressionable generation that if girls who didn’t
like you because you were bald suddenly like you because you’re not, its vain.
Is that the kind of romance we want people to aspire for???
Which is why I have this thing for Fahadh! There is this
undercurrent in Mallu land that Fahadh let go of his hair & thus let go
of his bad luck.
FF is the reason for hope for so many youngsters who now see
the cool side of being bald. We need more people like him to break this world of
pretense. There are others in Mollywood warming up to this idea & slowly
removing the wigs they’ve worn for so many decades.
Because I watch movies so much, a lot of my references are
to scenes/dialogues from movies I’ve watched. I remember this friendly banter
between a nurse & doctor in a Malayalam movie ‘diamond necklace’. It’s a nice
movie and in one such scene, a senior nurse scolds this junior nurse for
missing the phone ring as she had headphones on while eating chocolate during
duty hours. She tries explaining she was just catching lunch on a busy day but
to no avail. At this point, the doctor-hero interferes & tells the senior
nurse to let it go & this causes the senior nurse to leave in a huff. The
usual friendly banter then ensues between the junior nurse & the doctor:
Nurse: That senior nurse’s name is Shantamma but she should
have actually been named Kopamma!
Doc: Leave it. Its just a little ego she has.
Nurse: Do you know, that in one way there is a connection
between ego & hair?
Doc: Pling… really? What connection?
Nurse: Tirupathi, Palani - & such temples, why do you
think people offer their hair?
Doc: Just their faith!
Nurse: Hair gives you a false identity. Ego is also like
that. You remove any of them & you will lessen the weight you carry on your
head.
Doc: pling pling – wow! How did you get this philosophy?
Nurse: My uncle told me. Another thing! Did you notice that
your ego is just like the hair on your head? Both are less!
Doc: 😊 Madam! You’re not Lakshmi. You’re actually
Saraswathi!
The doc hero here is none other than FF v2.0 😊
And while this topic is nowhere near finished, I will stop
here with one last image that shows why Sourav Ganguly was better off with his natural
reserve of head-hair & why our bald friends are immune to bad hair days.
I think the thing that has been most therapeutic in my life at all times has been a good conversation with a girl friend. It doesn't matter what we converse about & it doesn't matter what sh*t we're in. Of course not all girls can become those girlfriends. There are some wavelengths that sync up & some that just don't! The ones that do sync up don't need to be in close proximity (well, not physically) or in touch on a daily basis and even after years of not hearing from each other, the moment we start talking, its like we never missed a day with each other. It just starts off from the point we left off last - without missing a beat, without ego, without any expectations, without hesitation - as if that gap did not exist!
Had a soulful session today with one of my besties & it just changed my daily drab - just like that! So this one's in honor of her and of all the others (countable few gf's left) who give meaning to my life & continue to inspire me in so many ways! Thank you, you crazies! Miles apart but connected by the heart! My soul sisters!!
The Aryan-Dravidian divide is as relevant today as it was
when the Indian subcontinent faced the Aryan invasion. It has become more of a
north-south India debate now. While there are a million differences & good/bad
on both sides, today we focused on only one such point.
Its something that I believe a lot of us ‘Dravidians’ ponder
about - What makes the Aryans seem superior in whatever is taken up by the two,
in spite of a lot of intellect on the Dravidian side. After all the Aryans were
successful in driving the Dravidians down south, weren’t they? And with all the
intellect, it’s not like we haven’t figured it out. It is just that we still haven’t
taken enough action to counter the difference & make it a level playing
field.
While some major aspects are ‘marketing’ & ‘guts of
steel’, today we pondered on how vision of the two differs. I realized that in
all aspects of life, I’m more focused on daily troubles & all the failure
modes… but unlike me, my more successful Aryan counterparts are focused on long
term goals & ‘celebratory modes’. Like my Kashmiri friend who ended up on
Masterchef AU. Like all things in life & office he had one long-term goal –
of getting on to the Masterchef AU show. That’s it. Just that long-term goal
(with a clear vision on what that would open up for him of course!). Then its
just a question about dealing with day to day stuff just to get to that goal -
persuade people to get office to send him to AU & go there & cook some
more, get PR, apply to mc-AU & get in! No failure modes involved in that
strategy. Only deciding on the stepping stones. If it was me, I would be stuck
on whether or not I should even consider persuading anyone to send me to AU –
even if I cooked like a Masterchef I would be convinced that the odds are
completely against me! My brain works more in terms of ‘today’ sprinkled with
pessimism! - will my kids be healthy to
go to school today, will they like the food I sent today, will my boss give me
another day on the deadline he set, will I be able to complete the meetings
scheduled today - & in each case, if it doesn’t work, what then? All very
short-term things that don’t actually matter at all in the long term.
While this is not a rule on how the Aryan/Dravidian thinking
differs, among all the examples I see around me, there seems to be a lot of
this pattern.
While upbringing & brain conditioning has a lot to do
with all of this, its high time to take charge & change! I mean, even
today, hubby keeps thinking up a new business venture every day, analyzes
failure modes every day & his mom says, don’t take the risk – Everyday! His
friend on the other hand starts a new business venture every day! :D Well, that’s
an exaggeration but he does have many ventures that work & when we analyze
failure modes of those ventures & ask him about it, he always has one
response ‘jab hoga, dekhenge yaar’.
Come on!! Every day lost, is an opportunity lost! Hell, when
are we going to learn?
Soon!.... As soon as we stop analyzing &
start actionizing! 😊
Ms. Diva's down with the usual beginning-of-wheezing symptoms & I already miss her bubbly self. We were going through her 'baby videos'... yes its time to classify them that way, I realize. She's growing up fast.
I need as much proof as possible of their little-ness because its like the sand is going to run out soon. Before I know it, the nest will be empty & I will only have these memories to reminisce.
Its that phase, when getting the message across is important & grammar/spellings can jump outside the window. Ms. Bookworm, on the other hand, has outgrown her sister's current phase & is too sophisticated to understand that there was ever a phase like that in her life. She finds Diva to be ridiculously hilarious. Ms. Diva, however, begs to differ & finds it beyond comprehension how she could EVER be wrong.
One of her usual teacher-roleplays gave me this gem to cherish:
I'm making a book of these for entertainment in my twilight years.
While a play with words can save the day & a good conversation can be life altering, there are some with whom you don't even need words.. this isn't necessarily with romantic connotations... but may be that's where it applies more...
Had this aha! moment... As if someone put words to a thought lost somewhere in the depths of my brain.
I can look at multiple phases in my life when this realization or some inspiration could have changed the course of my life & removed some of the regrets I carry. But since I cant change the past, I will try & remember this from now on.
Note to self: This actually needs immediate action.
Going by the 'hair of the dog' treatment, :P I decided to beat the Gully Boy hangover with another movie :D
I think I should make this a movie blog. I will never have a dearth of topics! :)
Caught 'Searching'! Impressed. Very innovative new way of movie making & interesting story telling.
Have to mention the 'Indian' credits also made me proud. - Well, Indian origin … but that's good enough for me. Aneesh Chaganty's first movie apparently!
Although the movie's story-telling was different, it had an old & proven moral of 'blood is thicker than water'... & Im happy it did!
Emma Thompson & Ryan Reynolds are the kind of celebs you want to listen to - because they're so real & their stories always seem to connect!
& who better to talk to them than Graham Norton - probably my favorite talk show host till date!
I just realized that part 1 did not mention 1 crucial piece of
information - & that’s the part about all that debate being applicable only
for the female half of the population. Men are not affected by it. They can have
a career & home. Almost all have a career & home in perfect balance –
no matter how many 24/7’s they spend at work. The meaning of balance is very
different for them. Maintain status quo by ensuring home is taken care of (by
whoever!) & manage work. That ensures balance! It’s only the rare exception
with a completely involved family man.
Every time this is stated, its like opening a can of worms. ‘O!
You’re a feminist!’ Damn right I am – but not the way it was intended to be
referred in that remark. A feminist is often interpreted as someone who hates
men! This couldn’t be further from the truth.
Priyanka Chopra put it very nicely. She had famously once
said “When we talk about equality & opportunity, we talk about cerebral
opportunity. We are not saying we want to be 200 pounds like a man & beat
the sh*t out of somebody else. We are saying - you get the ability to get the
job, to be the CEO & nobody questions you on how you’re driven at 50 with 3
children & and how you are managing it all.”
That’s one side of it. Society puts no guilt on a man for
having it all. The only guilt I think is when he’s not the bread winner. Women on the other hand are guilty of wanting a successful career when they have a home to manage. They are expected to manage all aspects of home. If the cook doesn’t
come, she needs to figure it out, if the maid doesn’t come – again, she needs
to figure it out. Children’s exams, she makes the plan. Its not like guys don’t
help, but you have to first assign the work to them even if they are ready to
help. See there is that accountability which is always with the women.
While the societal aspect has influenced guys in having a
seemingly stable work life balance, I don’t think we can ignore the fact that
men in general are more objective & can compartmentalize their brains very
effectively. There’s no spill over on either side. This is something I see most
women fail at. Its just that we don’t have the mental capacity for it. We are
more subjective & there is a lot of spillover – of work into home &
home into work. We are just made more emotional. It is nature’s way of ensuring
a family got the emotional balance it required. So, women need to master the
art of objectivism to some extent, to be able to enjoy better work life balance
& also get better at people management (by which I don’t mean emotional
management like they do with their family & friends; pure people management
to get work out of them in an effective way).
One thing I want to correct from my part 1 piece, is about
knowledge. Its not like a stay at home mom gathers no knowledge at all! That’s incorrect.
There’s a lot of knowledge & experience she gains doing what she does at
home. My reference to knowledge was purely in terms of subject matter required
in office.
Hungover from GullyBoy & the title of this blog, is the message that mainly stood out for me in this movie.
I was thinking so much about it. While it is impactful & it is the way to be - its not easy for everyone because its not the natural way of existence for many.
Safeena loves fiercely - enough to break a bottle on a woman who gets close to her man. Her family is a conservative Muslim family that doesn't expect her to even complete an education in a field that she's good at. Almost gets her married off, cutting her education short.. but she manages to stay afloat. We think with the resistance she faces, she's just trying to complete her education but in her mind she has no doubt how she will keep her man AND complete her education. Financial worries also don't concern her. She tells her man, you keep going. I can make enough for us! That is fierce love. I don't think I'm capable of that kind of love!
Murad on the other hand, 'wants' to live passionately! He's very clear what his passion is, but his circumstances make him question if he should even try to follow his passion. His father threatens to stop his education if he ever follows his passion - but it doesn't stop him. Although he knows his father is serious, he says - well that's how he is, & continues to rap.
Thing about both these characters is that their families do not want to empower them or allow them to change their circumstances. Let the girl stay dependent & let the guy stay at the same financial level - is what the parents seem to say. It is up to the individuals to take the risk & grow their wings. That is quite something when you have a lot to lose. Hats off to the many achievers who manage to do this! Also, while Safeena has a strong character, Murad has a slightly more 'cautious' nature. So it obviously takes more effort for him to break free - which I thought was a very good message too.
All in all, I have been bombarded mentally with thoughts around this & while I feel that it may be a tad too late for me to break free, I should mentally be prepared not to be the restrictive parent my daughters have to encounter... no matter how small or big their dreams.
Looong pending watch. Finally caught up. My heart is full! Not only is Naezy & Divine's story inspiring, but I'm also grateful for performers like Raveer & Aalia for just doing what they do!
There are so many successful people who say that it shouldn’t
be ‘versus’ & that you can have both. These people are the ones who don’t even
realize how much they have missed out on in one of these areas where their
focus wasn’t, obviously. They are just oblivious to the fact. Only Indira Nooyi
was honest when she said you can’t have success at both places.
I still battle this. I know that if I completely forget home
& focus on work, there will be so much learning & so much progression.
Sometimes I desperately want to taste that success. But then, I realize that
even a month of such dedication at work takes a toll at home. It has happened
& so it is real! It has led to lost time for my kids that cannot be retrieved
or redeemed in any way. E.g. because I was stuck in office, one maid ingrained
dishonesty in my elder daughter during her formative years – which to this day I’m
struggling to uproot. It always rears its ugly head just when I think we’ve
sorted it. But of course, the world is not an easy place – certainly not for an
honest person. So, you need to have a fine balance & the sensibility to
understand how much honesty/dishonesty is needed. That way, I feel she’s
equipped. Another example happened during my last stint at office, my kids were
completely disconnected from me – no sharing of news, no conversation
whatsoever! I was busy & so they found their own ways … talking to friends/grandparents/dad
(whenever he was available in between all the travel) … while at the same time burying oneself in television or
craft & not giving details of actual life happenings to anyone. This is
dangerous for kids because they will not know whom to reach out to in the time
of any crisis. Also, it’s difficult for parents to keep track of their child as
they grow, if the communication channel is completely lost.
Without digressing, there are advantages & disadvantages
on focusing on any aspect more. The question is which one outweighs the other.
Focusing on career means more knowledge, more control on work, more
achievement, more self-confidence – while also, less me-time, less time for
passion/talent, less family time, disconnection from daily moments of kids’
lives, lesser attachment to family members etc. This second part is the essence of
life – isn’t it? We are human beings first!
Obviously, the opposite applies if the focus is on home. Less
knowledge, less control of work, less achievement, less self-confidence – but more
me-time, more connection with all of family to help me feel fulfilled (as a
mother, wife, daughter... etc.), more help for the kids... & so on. But I
have to say that it is, essentially, an individual orientation of
preference which makes us waver to one side more.
In my case, my orientation is towards home, without a doubt.
For as long as I have kids, it cannot be another way. I was responsible for
bringing them into the world & I’m the only mom they’ve got! I’m replaceable
in office, I’m not replaceable at home. My achievements are only to serve my
ego and while my life is more or less done, the kids have a long way to go. It makes
more sense to invest in them… Bottom-line, I need both. But there’s no denying where
my loyalties lie.
Nearing the big four oh! Actually I have felt 40 for the last 3 years or so. I don't know how it will actually feel when I hit it next year. Very much like me, considering I like to live problems before they actually happen.... umm.... whether they are problems or not!
Not too young any more to want people to remember my birthday, so much so as expecting some to be disciplined enough to remember & complete the necessary formalities of wishing me!! LOL
While there were a lot of old friends & some new friends who forgot, I realized I have new friends who keep track of me & remember - dedicating a page to me & stuff!
How cool is that. SO much for my social life!! :D... & data privacy!
I think I know the reason for this dismal social life. It came in the form of some hygiene advice from my lil miss diva:
Yeah - at least a bath a day!
But no matter what your social life, the hubby doesn't have a choice & so came along for lunch outside.
I ensured I had enough sugar to keep me hyper for another month at least!
On the way back home this ensured that I was too hyper to argue with hubby who asked me to get my own cake. That's the thing about becoming too convenient around each other in a reasonably long marriage.
And this was what we did with the girls once they were back from school:
Apparently diva had already tried to taste some icing. The number of candles make me wonder if my kids think I'm 60 already!
Anyway, the cake was in appreciation for all the effort they put in to make those cards & give me some gifts they earned (like minion folders, race car erasers & the like). Yes - that's right! moms get birthday cakes on their birthdays only for their kids most times!
Also had lots of fun chatting up with a wide variety of fam & friends. There was the regular stuff 'happy birthday - thank you!'... But fam that's usually quiet gave a lot of surprisingly emotional messages! It was all interesting at the end of the day. Here's a sample of the variety!
A long time back, my favorite sportsperson - Rahul Dravid,
was asked what his biggest nightmare was. He replied “getting up in the morning
& realizing that I’ve forgotten how to play cricket”! I can understand how terrifying
that must be when you live & breathe the game.
I was wondering, at the time, what would be my worst
nightmare & I remember thinking – getting up one morning to find all of my
family gone! The funny thing is, this fear hasn’t changed, although it has been
more than 20 years since.
Just imagine your worst nightmare being played out in front
of your eyes - but to someone else. Its heart breaking. All you can feel is
helplessness & hopelessness!
I don’t want to say I am traumatized by what happened… I don’t
have the right to be … since there is someone else who is living that tragedy. I
have wanted to write about this for some time now, since it happened almost a
year back, to just wrap my head around this... But my heart was too heavy &
still is when I think about that darkness. No human should have to go through that
kind of darkness.
My mom’s cousin’s son (Uncle M) was a very lively, warm,
friendly human who lived life to its fullest. He had lost his father when he
was just 2.5 years old & his mom (Ammayi) chose to stay on with her in-laws.
She was a hugely loved & respected person in the family & she ensured
her son was brought up with the same morals she had & had the same strong
bonds with all of the family. That’s why Uncle M took a lot of effort to bond
with everyone & keep everyone connected. I knew him since I was a toddler.
We visited him often since we lived in the same city. By the time I was
visiting him, he had brought his mother to stay with him, had married (Aunty A)
& had his first child - Di. I still remember looking with wonder at the
little baby, wrapped in white baby clothes. Over the next couple of years, he
had his second daughter – Da & right after, we moved cities. I got in touch
again with them after moving back to this city. Cheerful as always, very warm
& welcoming, we met a few times. Ammayi lived till a very ripe old age. She
got the best care from Aunty A. Di married Si & they eventually had a son
Roo. They were all actively trying to find ‘the suitable boy’ for Da. Just the
regular family going about its usual business.
The most endearing thing about this family, for me,
was that they were always happy! It was not that they had all the resources/situations
to have a contented life but that they found contentment in whatever they had & did.
They found joy in the little things that the rest of us might fail to notice. I
have never seen Aunty A bitter even though most of her life was spent working
extra hard to provide for the family while also spending most of her time
away from work taking care of her mother-in-law. They were a really tightly knit
unit. Any time I spent with them, I had so much fun – doing nothing but just
conversing! There was something about their joy which was so pure & infectious… that even the universe must have been jealous!
It was hardly about 2 years since Ammayi passed. On this
fateful day, Uncle M, Aunty A, Di, Si & Roo were on a trip to their native
place to attend a wedding. They took a bus, just like so many of us do. Di had
told her friends in office that she would be back on Monday. Nothing out of the
ordinary… Da stayed back because she had to go to office during the weekend. The bus they were in, met with an unbelievably
horrendous accident during the wee hours of the morning - like nothing we’ve
seen on that route before. A mini bus from the opposite side of the road, hit a
parked vehicle, swerved, jumped the median & crashed into the bus … &
that too right at the point where this family was placed. God’s precision
planning was there for all to see! A total of 7 lives were lost in this
accident, with 4 of them being my own! Baby Roo escaped unhurt & nobody
knows how! There are a lot of versions – he was hugged tight by his grandma, he
was thrown out on impact... whatever happened, he was suddenly orphaned - at
2.5 years of age – the same age at which Uncle M lost his father. Scary
co-incidence. It was not just Roo who was orphaned. Da also lost all of her immediate
family in that instance. She only had Roo left. So obviously she held on
tightly to Roo. The next day’s local papers had their pics splashed across all their front pages.
Those pics are embedded forever in my memory. Da & Roo … left behind by this
cruel twist of fate.
But life wasn’t even going to allow Da to hold on to that single
strand of hope. Si’s parents took up Roo while Si’s brother & wife
officially adopted Roo. After all they had equal stake and actually had a full family to support the little guy. If Da was married, she could have strongly taken a
stand on adopting Roo & in any case would also have her husband as remaining
immediate family to help her & be with her. But somehow, not even that bit of respite was hers.
Di & Si were cremated in Si’s hometown, while Uncle M
& Aunty A were cremated here - I attended their funeral. Through both the
funerals, Da was the one who was followed by everyone's eyes. She said that she could somehow come to term with her parents leaving but not her sister & brother-in-law! They still had so much left to do! She collapsed at times, stood
strong at other times – directing people to place the wreaths appropriately, cried out at
other times & even seemed to be in a trance at other times. The day before
the funeral, I went to her place with my cousin. She sat there stoically until we both hugged her... & that
led to tears streaming down her face. Unforgettable moment - When I did not know
what was the right thing to do! There were discussions on how she also should
have gone with them; that this was just too much for one soul to bear! I just couldn’t
even begin to make sense out of anything. Seeing her was heartbreaking!!
In the aftermath of the accident, there were a lot of
videos online of the accident scene & how the bodies were extricated. Many
of us saw their bodies being pulled out of the wreckage. Aunty had lost her
face completely - & my cousin who went to ID the bodies still has sleepless
nights. Da continues to give her best shot at survival. Its so heartening to see
someone make that effort in such a situation. She has numerous moments when she
breaks down both at home & in office… after all she's human! Considering she’s
still standing & doing her best to survive, I'm so proud of her. She is a
very bright, young, talented lady (much like her mom & sis; her mom even
received a state award for her services) & thankfully her office colleagues
are understanding about her meltdowns because they have seen her competence before
this event. I hope they don’t lose patience on her, ever.
Meanwhile, Da also has to deal with the torture of the
growing gap between her & Roo, now that Roo is away. She visits him often just
so that he doesn’t forget her but she can sense him moving away. He’s too small
to remember his earlier life or the tragedy and his new parents are all he
cares about now.
I think about them often and I think ‘Lord I don’t have any reason to complain again - ever!’ … but as human as I am, I still end
up asking 100 things of God everyday …. Because life goes on. It doesn’t stop
for anyone or anything. It is still beyond my comprehension as to what God’s
purpose in such a situation is. It haunts me day & night! Just can’t seem
to make any sense of it. What really is our purpose on earth? Is there any such
thing as security? Even security in God! – what does that mean for someone like
Da? We could have everything one day & it could be gone in an instant! How
invincible do we think we are! – such utter nonsense! It scares me to be happy
sometimes.
What is God’s purpose with Da? How does one find the strength
to move on in the face of such unimaginable tragedy? Hell! I can’t get through a day without
things being in order & under my control!
Time will tell, may be… Until then I think I will continue to grapple
with this confusing sense of reality & fake sense of security we have in
life. Hopefully there will be some enlightenment along the way.
Over the years we've been fed with those hilarious forwards citing the difference between Moms & Dads. While it can be argued for good reason that there are great dads out there, these forwards still are worthy of some laughs!! Here are some of those cited instances:
We had our own instance of Mom vs Dad recently (& I say recently because this is a never ending competition throughout our stint at parenting :D) .
While this may not seem as obviously funny as the previous pictures, we had a good laugh over this.
So the story goes like this. My younger one who's the diva & fashionista in the house, picked on the latest fad in school, which is dangling a keychain on the zip of the school bag. Of course that meant she needed a fancy keychain & no ordinary keychain would do it for her! I was the obvious choice for the task of buying her a keychain that would suit her standards but since I was unwell & she was in a hurry, the task was reassigned to her dad! & the best he could do was that hideous piece on the right, which according to him was the fanciest he could find!!!! This was met with varying reactions from his 3 girls:
Me: Rolled eyes.
Elder daughter: ROFL
Younger daughter: cried a river
& so I had to suck it in & weather the storm … first to calm Ms. Diva & second to go & finish the easy job of getting her that keychain to restore harmony.
The next day when hubby & I were alone at home after kids went to school, we chanced upon the abandoned keychain. We both examined it again & burst out laughing! What a hideous thing to get. It was some sad version of a dancing girl. It was supposed to be a cut out of Elsa I think, but it was so badly painted with the eyes seeming to squint and one of the hands seeming to show the middle finger! What kind of person thinks this aesthetic is even ok? This round is clearly mine :)
Some stories bring you so much
happiness even if they are not really connected to you. Chackochan was one of
the first chocolate boys in Malayalam cinema & I crushed on him like most
of the mallu female population. So much so, that after my wedding, my husband
used to put Chackochan down every opportunity he got. “He’s really short!”….
“Terrible acting” … “What’s wrong with you?”… “What do you see in him?” LOL. I
got to know later that after Chackochan’s first hit even my hubby had got the
same bike he had in the movie. So just imagine the kind of influence this guy
had on all of us!!
I also had this personal connection
(I told myself its an important connection :D) that his mom & my mom
studied in the same college at the same time. She was one the most popular
& beautiful girls in college at that time & she cut short her education
once her marriage was fixed, I’m told. Somehow this information, along with the
fact that he’s from the same place that my parents are from, made me
create this impression in my brain that I had a personal connection.
Chackochan broke many hearts by marrying his sweetheart. But since
we all love him so much, we wished him all the happiness in the world. But as
fate would have it, they did not have any kids for long & this actually
caused heartache for so many of us. Those genes with that kind of talent &
those looks could have produced such wonderful offspring!! Also, this man
deserves happiness!
& so it happened after all these years that Chackochan &
Priya were blessed with Izahaak! Izza, you will not believe how relieved &
truly, truly happy so many of us are because of you!! Mallu-dom actually
erupted in joy because of you. I have never seen so much of genuine joy all
because of one tiny person! You are truly blessed! My heart is full when I see
you Izzu!
I’m suddenly feeling a little low. Under the weather but that’s
not it. I just got to know that the leader of my country prevented the leader
of my faith from visiting my country. This news will obviously never make it to
any media outlet. It saddens me that this is the country I live in – where I’m
questioned for my faith & where I’m not on par with the majority religion.
I have NEVER in my life looked at another person of a different faith (or the
lack of it) as different. Shouldn’t it just be one of your many interests that
you choose to follow (or not follow) any particular faith? Yet I have so many friends
in my community (both virtual & otherwise) who say that their religion is
superior and they have been oppressed and they are happy that the current power
is pro-their religion. This has been happening for quite a bit now. It pains me that educated people
who have travelled & have seen the world around them do not understand petty
politics... that they don't consider the good relationships that they have had with people of different faith & can say it to their face - & that too without any remorse! If anybody propagates intolerance because of their faith, then they are only not understanding their faith right - because I believe no religion teaches intolerance.
Today I can’t even say the
word beef. Have I ever questioned anyone for being vegan? Why do all these
pseudo-religious then proceed to go & stay in countries where beef is
eaten?
I’m never going to renounce my faith! In fact, such things
are only going to make me stronger in my faith. And I will continue to pray for all of those
who think that they are superior because of their faith. Because at the end of
the day, death doesn’t spare anyone because of the practice of any faith – or the
lack of it. So lets hope our sin doesn’t get the better of us.
