Living nightmare

A long time back, my favorite sportsperson - Rahul Dravid, was asked what his biggest nightmare was. He replied “getting up in the morning & realizing that I’ve forgotten how to play cricket”! I can understand how terrifying that must be when you live & breathe the game.

I was wondering, at the time, what would be my worst nightmare & I remember thinking – getting up one morning to find all of my family gone! The funny thing is, this fear hasn’t changed, although it has been more than 20 years since.

Just imagine your worst nightmare being played out in front of your eyes - but to someone else. Its heart breaking. All you can feel is helplessness & hopelessness!

I don’t want to say I am traumatized by what happened… I don’t have the right to be … since there is someone else who is living that tragedy. I have wanted to write about this for some time now, since it happened almost a year back, to just wrap my head around this... But my heart was too heavy & still is when I think about that darkness. No human should have to go through that kind of darkness.

My mom’s cousin’s son (Uncle M) was a very lively, warm, friendly human who lived life to its fullest. He had lost his father when he was just 2.5 years old & his mom (Ammayi) chose to stay on with her in-laws. She was a hugely loved & respected person in the family & she ensured her son was brought up with the same morals she had & had the same strong bonds with all of the family. That’s why Uncle M took a lot of effort to bond with everyone & keep everyone connected. I knew him since I was a toddler. We visited him often since we lived in the same city. By the time I was visiting him, he had brought his mother to stay with him, had married (Aunty A) & had his first child - Di. I still remember looking with wonder at the little baby, wrapped in white baby clothes. Over the next couple of years, he had his second daughter – Da & right after, we moved cities. I got in touch again with them after moving back to this city. Cheerful as always, very warm & welcoming, we met a few times. Ammayi lived till a very ripe old age. She got the best care from Aunty A. Di married Si & they eventually had a son Roo. They were all actively trying to find ‘the suitable boy’ for Da. Just the regular family going about its usual business.

The most endearing thing about this family, for me, was that they were always happy! It was not that they had all the resources/situations to have a contented life but that they found contentment in whatever they had & did. They found joy in the little things that the rest of us might fail to notice. I have never seen Aunty A bitter even though most of her life was spent working extra hard to provide for the family while also spending most of her time away from work taking care of her mother-in-law. They were a really tightly knit unit. Any time I spent with them, I had so much fun – doing nothing but just conversing! There was something about their joy which was so pure & infectious… that even the universe must have been jealous!

It was hardly about 2 years since Ammayi passed. On this fateful day, Uncle M, Aunty A, Di, Si & Roo were on a trip to their native place to attend a wedding. They took a bus, just like so many of us do. Di had told her friends in office that she would be back on Monday. Nothing out of the ordinary… Da stayed back because she had to go to office during the weekend.  The bus they were in, met with an unbelievably horrendous accident during the wee hours of the morning - like nothing we’ve seen on that route before. A mini bus from the opposite side of the road, hit a parked vehicle, swerved, jumped the median & crashed into the bus … & that too right at the point where this family was placed. God’s precision planning was there for all to see! A total of 7 lives were lost in this accident, with 4 of them being my own! Baby Roo escaped unhurt & nobody knows how! There are a lot of versions – he was hugged tight by his grandma, he was thrown out on impact... whatever happened, he was suddenly orphaned - at 2.5 years of age – the same age at which Uncle M lost his father. Scary co-incidence. It was not just Roo who was orphaned. Da also lost all of her immediate family in that instance. She only had Roo left. So obviously she held on tightly to Roo. The next day’s local papers had their pics splashed across all their front pages. Those pics are embedded forever in my memory. Da & Roo … left behind by this cruel twist of fate.

But life wasn’t even going to allow Da to hold on to that single strand of hope. Si’s parents took up Roo while Si’s brother & wife officially adopted Roo. After all they had equal stake and actually had a full family to support the little guy. If Da was married, she could have strongly taken a stand on adopting Roo & in any case would also have her husband as remaining immediate family to help her & be with her. But somehow, not even that bit of respite was hers.

Di & Si were cremated in Si’s hometown, while Uncle M & Aunty A were cremated here - I attended their funeral. Through both the funerals, Da was the one who was followed by everyone's eyes. She said that she could somehow come to term with her parents leaving but not her sister & brother-in-law! They still had so much left to do! She collapsed at times, stood strong at other times – directing people to place the wreaths appropriately, cried out at other times & even seemed to be in a trance at other times. The day before the funeral, I went to her place with my cousin. She sat there stoically until we both hugged her... & that led to tears streaming down her face. Unforgettable moment - When I did not know what was the right thing to do! There were discussions on how she also should have gone with them; that this was just too much for one soul to bear! I just couldn’t even begin to make sense out of anything.  Seeing her was heartbreaking!!

In the aftermath of the accident, there were a lot of videos online of the accident scene & how the bodies were extricated. Many of us saw their bodies being pulled out of the wreckage. Aunty had lost her face completely - & my cousin who went to ID the bodies still has sleepless nights. Da continues to give her best shot at survival. Its so heartening to see someone make that effort in such a situation. She has numerous moments when she breaks down both at home & in office… after all she's human! Considering she’s still standing & doing her best to survive, I'm so proud of her. She is a very bright, young, talented lady (much like her mom & sis; her mom even received a state award for her services) & thankfully her office colleagues are understanding about her meltdowns because they have seen her competence before this event. I hope they don’t lose patience on her, ever.

Meanwhile, Da also has to deal with the torture of the growing gap between her & Roo, now that Roo is away. She visits him often just so that he doesn’t forget her but she can sense him moving away. He’s too small to remember his earlier life or the tragedy and his new parents are all he cares about now.

I think about them often and I think ‘Lord I don’t have any reason to complain again - ever!’ … but as human as I am, I still end up asking 100 things of God everyday …. Because life goes on. It doesn’t stop for anyone or anything. It is still beyond my comprehension as to what God’s purpose in such a situation is. It haunts me day & night! Just can’t seem to make any sense of it. What really is our purpose on earth? Is there any such thing as security? Even security in God! – what does that mean for someone like Da? We could have everything one day & it could be gone in an instant! How invincible do we think we are! – such utter nonsense! It scares me to be happy sometimes.

What is God’s purpose with Da? How does one find the strength to move on in the face of such unimaginable tragedy? Hell! I can’t get through a day without things being in order & under my control!  

Time will tell, may be…  Until then I think I will continue to grapple with this confusing sense of reality & fake sense of security we have in life. Hopefully there will be some enlightenment along the way.